Someone please tell me you understandndndndnndndnnddd!

I just realised I spend a lot of time thinking about what's wrong with me. More accurately: I wonder what could be wrong with me, then realise I'm awesome, it's nothing, and that something's wrong with everyone else. This should be my first clue: I'm delusional. I mean I do think I'm better than saayyyy 85% of people, but there IS something wrong with me. After deciding I am awesome and something is wrong with everyone else I become angry at injustices only just now perceived as such. I get mad that I never noticed that everyone sucks, and then I get angry at my boyfriend, friends, parents, and most confusingly- ever person I pass on the street. Why is everybody pickin on meeee? I stage mock arguments between us all in my head ALL THE TIME. I can't walk down the street or sit on a chair or take a shit without a 'fantasy fight'- as I have come to call them- going on semi-sub-consciously in my head.

I can't remember when they started, only that I now cannot walk without fantasy fighting. A few days without meeting anyone or seeing any of my friends becomes first a self-esteem issue. What's wrong with meeee? Then I convince myself it's normal, it's fine, nobody hangs out with friends as much as it seems. Why do I even worry? Maybe the next day- or next hour- depending on how long I am without external stimuli- I get frustrated. Well who the fuck wouldn't want to do something with me? I'm so obviously awesome. I mean GOD! everyone else is stupid and boring sacks of potatoes. Nobody knows how to have fun like I do! I'm awesome! WHYYYY MEEEE?! Then I go to the thrift store and look at the lingerie section (where I usually buy my outerwear) and feel a pang of frustration and sadness. Well why should I even look at these garments (gross used nighties) when no one will ever see them because I have no friends and these clothes will never see the light of non-closet day. At this point the fight begins- COMPLETELY IN MY HEAD! I arrange a fight with someone who wants to tell me all my faults, or maybe even one of my friends that's recently been annoyed with me. I go through what I'd say- what he'd say- then I get madder. None of this will ever happen, actually. No one is ever really mad at me. This person telling me why I'm a bad friend doesn't exist.  I think of that and get more mad. Sometimes I go where no one could possibly see me and kick a dumpster or telephone pole lightly IN ANGER! I go through this for varying lengths of time until I go out and have fun with people and talk to my friends and they say I'm not a bad friend except for the annoying habit of thinking that people are mad at me all the time and I'm totally fine for a week or so. Then it begins again.

No one is spared though- You don't have to be my friend or even an imaginary man who tells me all my faults (as much as you may like to be)- if you look at me weird on the bus you can be sure there's a fantasy fight going on. There doesn't even have to be another human anywhere near me, and it's on. I will head towards the bus, make up a reason in my head for why the the bus driver might potentially ever want to give me slack, and have a fake fight. He's gonna tell me to use less pennies because it fills the machine. I'm gonna say IT'S U.S. CURRENCY, MAN, GET OVER IT! Then he's gonna kick me off the bus and I'm gonna call the transit authority and report him (I fantasy report bus drivers like 4 times a day). Then I actually get to the bus- we're in reality now, people- no such altercation occurs, and I go about my day. In fact- no such altercation EVER OCCURS! Why do I do this? God forbid I should LEARN. No matter how many times I say to myself that these arguments have NO basis in reality, no matter how many times I walk home from work yelling WHY? WHY DO I DO THIS? STOP! STOP DOING THIS!- I can't stop. It's a reflex, second nature. They go on before I consciously process that it's happening. It's like my mind splits and I'll be thinking of what kind of milk to buy with one side and arguing with the grocery clerk over a sale price discrepancy (I don't even care about sales!!!ahgggghhhhhhhh!) with the other. Never fails. I do this ALL DAY. I'm not exaggerating. I should make a tally. Ok, I'm gonna. Be right back!

Ok I'm back. Here's what I've done for the last 5 hours besides listen to a man with schizophrenia tell trick or treat jokes one after the other for literally an hour:

FANNNTASSSYYYYY FIGGHHHHHTTSSSS

My boss wrote an email and sent it to ?multiple people? wrongingly claiming he left me a message re: covering a shift. Well, he's a blame placer. He didn't call me and used my name in a pointless email so the blame would be off him when someone had to stay to cover the next shift. This=about a 2 hour fake fight

I wanted to leave work early, had to fake fight an overreacting coworker. He didn't give a fuck when it came down to it. ~15 min wasted

I texted my friend to see what he was doing tonight. I didn't want to go where he was, but wanted to see where he was for pointless reasons. I made up a reason why I couldn't go there but wanted to know where there was and we fantasy conversed about it. When it really happened he didn't even ask me to come there, and none of it mattered IN THE SLIGHTEST!- 10 min wasted

I said something weird to a new coworker then went over what she could be saying behind my back in my head. MAN SHE'S WEIRD! Is what I had to think of them all saying all night. I work with people with schizophrenia for god's sake! In locked facilities! Why would my coworkers care if I was weird? Why would I care if they cared? Some of them wear KHAKIS. One was listening to I'm pretty sure String Cheese Incident or Widespread Panic the whole shift. N-E-WAY... I WONDERED: should I clarify what I meant when I said the weird thing to her? I did and she didn't give any fucks. Probably 20 min off and on wasted

I had a fuckt encounter with random girl a couple weeks ago who turned out to be a supervisor at my new job. I didn't recognize her when I went to the first day of work at this particular place (I work at several locations). She admitted knowing who I was but claimed she did not know where from. I thought she was mistaken in knowing me, even though no one looks like me ever, no chance, but now know the truth AND know she knew all along where we knew each other from but played dumb! I've been wondering if I should confront her on knowing but pretending not to. This one is takin over my life. I am haunted by how weirdly I acted including ripping an Andre champagne bottle out of her hand and showing her how to open it cuz she was trying to open it delicately and daintily. And singing GET OVER IT, GET OVER IT ala DON HENLEY when she would not get over something. GAD! Not to mention my friend admitted he "whispered fucked up things in her ear all night". She left horrified. I decided to just never work shifts that she is scheduled! HA! This one, combined, maybe 5 hours over a week period spent fake encountering the issue

Bus drivers= at least 20 minutes a day

Non-Mentally-Ill-Cardboarders under 50 (people usually dressed and fed better than me whose jobs are to hold a dumb signs asking for money)= 20 minutes a day

That's just off the top of my head based on the last maybe 5 hours.

I once TOTALLY MADE UP SOME STUPID SHIT that I think illustrates this. I found a glass-like-I-dunno-casserole-dish in a free pile. I'd say it's 5'' by 9'' or so- pretty small. While carrying it down the street I had a fantasy fight with my boyfriend wherein he told me to stop picking up junk I don't need (never has, never would) and lamented that the item was pointless and too small (nope) In this fight I then told him that FINE! whenever I cooked anything in this dish, he couldn't have any. Then in this MADE UP STUPID FANTASY I cooked a really good tuna casserole (never have, never would) and he tried to eat some and boy did I ever Chicken "Of the Sea" Little him and tell him he couldn't have any. The next day I was trying to explain the fantasy fight thing to him (ok, this is really happening now) and he was appalled for good reason. He was doubly insulted that I would ever think he would care about the usefulness or size of a casserole dish, AND that I would fake fight with him in my head for a half hour. He rightly said that there was no way that it was good for our relationship to do this. I tried to explain that I don't really have control over it, that I know he wouldn't give one about a casserole dish, that I fake fight with EVERYONE even people that don't exist, AND that I would let him have some casserole even if he did make fun of my trash dish. He didn't really care, he thought I was a freak, and now no one who read this will ever want to hang out with me EVER! SO IT BEGINS!!!


HELP ME! THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!

I hate almost everything!

The worst is people acting like they care about people just because they die, or worse yet- pretending they liked them AT ALL. Suddenly everyone was best friends. Suddenly all their beliefs and flaws must be paid respects. And you- you're vapid for not doing the thinking man pose whenever their names are mentioned. So yeahhhh, jacob is STILL dead from 6 days ago- can we NOT talk about food at a time like this? Jacob LOVED food. He needed it to live, and now he's dead. Dontcha think that's just a LITTLE insensitive to suggest we go eat?

Russia is a whole country of these people. I was there when Michael Jackson died. People acted like i was being insensitive because I didnt weep at their shrines of tinfoil, fake flowers and shittily drawn pictures of him that looked like mutants, as if he didn't enough on his own. They acted like they knew him personally. They loooooved sayin MJ, like that was his nickname and not just a shortcut for people who can't say Michael OR Jackson without sounding stupid.

That was the one time i was not desperately trying to hide being an american. They all came up to me for compassion or something. 'Ohh Americanka, Mikhail Yaksahn will be missed!' Suddenly they love me! But then when I giggled when they took a knee and pretended to cry at the shrine they acted personally offended like their dad died and I just told them he fucked hookers on the floor by his parents bed after his mom passed out drunk or something. Look, I've seen a real, alive black person. Michael has never even been to Russia! I thiiiink i got one up on anyone from that country. I can understand the lyrics of his songs. You dont have a clue what he's saying. Ohhhhh yeahhh i want love to you. Pee why tea? Pretty yawn thing, i need some love things, tea lah see, ten to love to care!!!

And another thing- how come foreigners cant make good music? Like ever? We have to do it all! It's hard work! And i'll tell you what- its appreciated and all but when foreigners cant tell the difference between breaths and words it gets a little awkward jih jitza thrilla thrilla yiy. no bun to save a thigh from all the guy with forty-eye girth! Yeah, i know they had Abba, but it's time we were paid back! Rest of the world: 1 America: all else What has russia done for us lately???

Some things I hate: Volume XIICMMCIIX

The givens:

-Welp, its the dawn of the dark doobie again, boys. Weed! You know I hate it! Here's what the doobie will make you do: it will make you sit around and fart and think phish is good. Yep you look real cool: squinty and tie-dyed with a half choked on bag of cheese puffs hangin out your bong hole! Hang 10 bra!

-Babies and anyone who ever even looked at one on purpose for longer than 30 seconds. Theyre sick bags of blubber that drool and shit on everything. Its like people become stupider the second they look at one. Babies and intelligence go together like shit and strawberry shortcake. Don't bother having one if you hope to further your education or have an intelligent conversation THAT ISNT ABOUT BABIES EVER AGAIN!

Some things I might be on my own with and also prove that I'm a total jaded bitch:


-When people think like a dirty chair is a family heirloom just because their dead mom sat in it. This older lady from work brought a SICK, grey, puffy, arm-less, stuffing coming out, broke down ass swivel office chair and constantly comes back to the office questioning who "messed with it" when in reality no one else will sit in it cuz she smells weird and everyone thinks her smell will suction into the gross puff and then sponge out back onto you if you sit on it. Trailer park heirloom!

I HATE SO MANY THINGS!

STOP PLEASE STOP

What is with people's Things That Make Me Happy Lists?
Kill me if I ever make a list and these things are on it:
-Bamboo utensil sets
-Fluffy cats
-Thick hearty soups
-Knitting baby clothes
-Realistically meat-like Vegan food
-Fiestaware
-Warm buttered popcorn
-Cat naps
-Making a warm fort inside to ignore the thunderstorm
-Being part of a thriving community
-Hand in hand walks on a brisk autumn day
-CRAFTING esp DIY
-A cracklin fire and christmas tunes
-Warming your gloved hands with an early morning caramel latte
Kill me! Kill me so many times kill me! Stop being assholes!! Isnt it easier to say:
Comfort
Shelter
Warmth
Beauty
Isn't it easier? Then you won't look like the Ann Arbor stick someone stuck up your ass broke off, travelled north, and is stabbing you in the brain.
Here's my (maybe sociopathic) list:
-Insect KILLING and pinning
-When people stop asking me repetitive questions FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE
-People with schizophrenia
-Crisp as fuck pickles
-Imagining helmeted ann arbor sidewalk bikers biting the dust SO HARD
-Trailer park boys
-Watching intervention while drinking and doing the very drugs these people are being intervened for
-Not having a reason to shower for a week
-Stepping on a really crunchy leaf
-Bus people
-Being better than almost everyone
-Hating things
Am I a sociopath? Maybe. But I'm a happy one cuz I get all of the things on my gay ass HAPPY LIST every single day if I want. So take your Martha Stewart ass shit outta my face! If I decide to go to the co-op or BED BATH AND INTO THE FUTURE i've asked for it I GUESS. But otherwise, its unwarranted and everyone who knows anything (me) thinks you're a dead pigeon! Let's all set our sights a lil lower for once! Buy the next homeless person you see a carmel latte if you want to help your community thrive! See what they do! Burn your face with it, that's what! FUCK!

Why do wine descriptions have to be so pretentious, unhelpful and bullshit? What exactly is all this about berries, cinnamon, husks, and depth? Will I or will I not wake up in a strange apartment with my pants on inside out? Let's get down to business. Are they gonna tell me anything USEFUL on the back of these bottles? If I'm at a place where there IS a $5 bottle of wine, I'm probably LOOKING for a $5 bottle of wine.
Does ANYONE care or believe this shit about how the vineyard is old and wise, or about how magically the vines are trellised? I saw Fantasia, I know it's just a bunch of sickies stomping on the grapes anyway. I don't recall them even CARING which kind of grapes they were picking. Were they even human? Is anyone assessing this $4.99 bottle of wine for its spice aroma? I am just gonna drink half a bottle and watch Friday the 13th, parts I and II anyway, so why am I wondering who is assessing this stuff?
And about these wine pairings. Can we please get real on this one, too?
-A fine malbec, goes perfectly with the purse of the next person with $8 who needs an excuse to invite some sleaze over after the bar and liquor store have closed.
-This wine is a perfect compliment for a pillow and your face.
I would buy the last one for sure.

PART 3 of "I Hate Almost Everybody" BABY EDITION

BABIES ARE SICK!

 

Ok I have blablalblglaglglgererrred on about men and women and now for the pinnacle of sick, the absolute sickest of all anything ever: BABEHZ! OOOOOH NOTHIN I LOVE BETTER THAN A LIL BABY ROLLIN AROUND GIGGLIN! Doesn't it just make you wanna stretch out your vagina REALLY BAD? Doesn't the thought of a gigglin little blobber goofin off with the family cocker spaniel just make you want your boobs to grow big and stretched and leaking milk? It has that effect on me.

 Thankfully from being poor in Michigan I have gotten the greatest gift ever given. No silly, not a welfare check for my bouncing bubbling buoyant bobbleheaded baby! Even better: 10 year guaranteed no baby! In fact I would put almost anything into my uterus to take up room in there so the stork's bundle can't fit. SORRY! Full house!

 So I am by no means an expert but I have seen enough of these bewildering creatures to know the basics.

For instance, babies when fed a disgusting mush of ground up real human food spit it out again and again and gurgle and choke on it. Yes, I have seen it. Then the parent gathers it up off its chin and neck (I am holding back puke writing this) with a sick plastic spoon and PUTS IT BACK INTO ITS GROSS TOOTHLESS MOUTH! It throws the food everywhere and spits it on to the parents, yes that's gross, but putting it back into its mouth? Child abuse! I can guarantee you if I ever spit out food and someone put it back into my mouth I'd be rolling around screaming too! If they don't want to eat it, leave them alone!

Next after the baby eats you know what happens. You put a big squishy diap on them and they piss and shit in it and then roll around in it all day. I will have to say here that I have never seen baby shit but I have heard about it and it may rival the baby being fed in vile-ness. I know anyone who reads this will think/say I am a horrible person, but can anyone deny these things? All other animals as you may know are only 'babies' for a month or so, maybe a year, except humans who remain in this revolting state for years!

Let's get right down to why I despise babies the most: THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! They can't talk or spell or hold their head up or even be shaken without dying. That means no going to raves or juggalo gatherings. And what is the need for a pooping blob that can't even wear that light up pacifier with pride! Have you ever seen a baby on E? ok this is going nowhere!

Women are Sick Too

Women are fucking sick!!

A while ago I wrote about how disgust men are, and maybe I was being a little biased. Most men are sicker, its true. But lets not forget about how sick women are. These neon-tan grease-pallete face bitches make fun of me on the street and then go back to trying to attract men wearing short ruffly denim skirts and bejeweled thongs with stripper heels and panty hose because their legs are too sick to be displayed in the sunlight. Then these people try to flirt with disgusting men so they can PROCREATE!

Oh Tiffy, I'm so depressed! I just really want a baby to cuddle and care for! A BABY? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? Why would you want the worst curse ever? A blubbery little ugly blob whose head just lolls around on its weak little neck with its sick toothless little mouth emitting gurgles and screams into the night? I have nighmares about this! Have you seen one of these creatures being fed? It is absolutely the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!

Ok tune in soon for: BABIES ARE FUCKING SICK: PART 3 of my hatred tirade! Because just thinking about babies for a second fills me with such disgust, I feel I must write about it. 

Anyway back to women. Women jam all these fucked up chemicals up their vags so no one may ever smell them and know the truth. God forbid someone sees you in a store buying tampons. They would surely then know the horrible truth. You bleed once a month! Oh gooooodddddddd! Just shove a douche up there and a tampon or even sicker A PAD and then get some feminine wipes oh and maybe a can of pinesol to jam in there and you'll be good to go.

Then when these birds get old they will need to inject some botulism into their face and stretch it back like texas chainsaw massacre to keep the demeaning shrivelled-dick golfer child molester husband they eventually get. Get some fake tits too. Girls act like they get fake tits because people made fun of them when they were in highschool, but really it is because their tits just looked gross, so whatever. I was called No Bra McGraw (best insult ever) but I didn't go get some cancer sacs shoved into me.

​Speaking of that I also know exactly what's going on under that shirt. You stuff your sick uneven stretch marked saggy tits into a pushup bra and think you're fooling people. I think any guy could imagine what would happen if they took that thing off. WHIPLASH! Then you laugh at me because I haven't shaved my armpits in a week and have holes in my shirt. At least I am not denying that I am a human being. At least I am not airbrusing my body with spray tan and panty hose and covering up my face with a large waffle of grease and powdered sugar to hide my identity. If you get alone with a man you better turn off the lights! He's gonna realise when he releases all your hooks and ties and shit and sees the imprint of your greasy orange face on his pillow, you're gonna fall apart like a dog shit in the rain. Better escape out the door before he looks at you!  

BUT I JUST REALLY WANT A BABY! Everything would be so much better! Oh it would just set everything right! Then he'd love meh!

Also, what is with these women acting like they like sports? No woman likes football. You are lying. You are lying to attract men and I am calling you out. Sports are so fucking stupid! If you play beer pong and try to act like one of the boys, I am on to you. If your myspace profile has quizzes like "which beer are you" and you get miller lite, bud light, or milwaukee's best, or if your background pic is of the cardinals or some other baseball team, you are fucked! I'm here to tell you, you will want a baby in a few years and that is disgusting! You will have to look back on what you did in college while you're trying (failing) to raise that sick blob into a sports fan, and one day you're gonna have to answer for it!

MEN ARE SICK (cept my boyf and friends)

men are so fucked!!!! they are so pathetic! they shave their sick hairy chests so there's sick stubble and puff them out when they pass by a female on the street like pigeons and try to act tough like gypsy teens!  they think their lives are over because they are balding and realise that all the time they were trying to "play" women and wearing gold chains and smoking bongs and making a bed out of pizza boxes and making nice girls feel like shit because they have periods and fat asses that now it's too late and they are too embarassed to admit it so they get a girl they tormented in high school to marry them or start searching russian craigslist thinking they can actually get a thin healthy beautiful educated russian woman to date them without sending them any money for a plane ticket to come to america by writing ridiculously misspelled ads claiming they own a small business! people! i bought a plane ticket to russia and a 2 month visa and it costed me like $500. i am poor, people! i have eaten only kale and sriracha sauce for weeks on end to afford things like this! this is real. i read these on russian craigslist. i am sorry i cannot stop talking about these things:

HI MY NAME IS ROBERT AND I AM LOOKING FOR A WOMAN TO MARRIE I LIKE TO RIDE MY HARLEY AND GO FISHING HUNTING AND COOKING OVER A CAMP FIRE I HALFR A 6 YEAR OLED SON THAT I HALF FULL COSTY OF AND I AM RETIRED FROM THE US ARMY IF YOU ARE INTERSTED PLEAS SEND ME YOUR PICTURE HOPE TO HERE FROM YOU SOON MY NICK NAME IS BOB


HI MY NAME IS STEVE ,I AM ORIGINLY FROM CASABLANCA (MOROCCO)BUT I LIVE IN UNITED STATE,I AM A SINGLE FATHER WHO IS LOOKING FOR A GREAT WOMEN TO SHARE THE REST OF LIFE WITH.
THATS MATTER HOW SHE LOOK LIKE ,BUT MUST BE GOOD HEART,LOVE KIDS AND TRUSTFULL .
AGE NOT IMPORTANT

Russian women are so wonderfuly beautyful. I just wanted to say that. I wish I could find a grate woman from there to settale down with


OH HOW SWEET! first of all these kikes think they can charm a woman into marrying them when they can't even realise that NO ONE AT ALL KNOWS WHAT CRAIGSLIST IS IN RUSSIA! they should put up an ebay ad and they would get more lookers! then they type everything in CAPSLOCK like that's gonna help! how is this russian beaotty going to look up these words in the dictionary like, marrie, originly, beautyful! these are crucial strategical points in their bewitching siren songs!


look at any celebrity gossip site! all they do is talk about how paris hilton has cellulite to belittle these people, like paris hilton isn't fucked enough they have an entire article describing a blown up picture of her stupid leg. then some waste of skin like  kevin federlin who looks like a bloated testicle is on the site and they just say "oh this guy is a dumb guy, also kinda fat, no?" what? he is the most useless fuck on earth! they have kanye west on there who is a total retard and they can't even think of any good jokes about his mr. potato head face but then they have a story about how one of katie holmes' boobs is weird looking! that's a story! i saw on stars: they're just like us in whatever awesome magazine that's in where a girl was wearing a sandal and her pinkie toe popped out and looked funny! that was it! wow weird toe! no wonder i think constantly how fat i am when i weigh 125 pounds! men maybe retarded and fucked and ugly and wear rainbow refelcctive shades and push their fat arm in such  way that some might be fooled into thinking it's a muscle, but they sure have females thinking they need to be a slut to get a job and wear vag spray so sick fucking dogs don't sniff their crotch and listen to whatever fat negass oprah says about getting rid of belly flab!

it has gotten to the point where men actually think they are so superior that because they ride a harley and can type on the computer 4 words per minute (still havent found the capslock button though) that a russian woman will date them because women are so worried about their age and cellulite that they'll take what they can get. of course all these men want women 20 years younger than them because a woman within 10 years of their age would probably have a flabby ass and that would be UNACCEPTABLE!
god! yall know i am not even a feminist but i guess i am because i just said all that shit! sorry gotta go lift some weights and drink creatine and talk about tits! see ya!

Things i hate/secretly love part 1737566

SORORITY GIRLS ON CRUTCHES
who try to dress so cute with their ONE reeealllly cute boot or high heel. What?? oooh this outfit would be really cute if i werent on crutches HUMILIATING MYSELF because i fell on some ice at a frat party!
they put SO much effort into the choice of the boot, you can tell, like anyone is looking at anything other than that HUGE terminator mechanical whole-leg foot cast thing with like screws and knobs on it. cute flowy underdressed for the weather cher top. youll be workin up a sweat on those crutches (and so will the OBVIOUSLY EMBARASSED guy youre with) so i guess its good you dont have a coat.