Whats the H stand for?

EULOGY 4 ME

Things that could possibly have been my last thoughts in the past week (i think about this a lot):
Fine! My boyfriend doesnt wanna hang out with me! Good! I'm gonna listen to mazzy star and smoke one cigarette IN BED! Maybe paint my toenails cuz I don't need men! But where will I get a cigarette? i guess steal it from my room mate. Maybe eat some of his cottage cheese too. Mmmm cottage.... Mmmm cheeeese. Mmmmm
(pass out after being drunk and having taken tiger wood's ass muthafuckin AMBIEN FOR SOME REASON!!)
Black people have it so easy cuz they look skinnier cuz black is slimming. Maybe that's why black guys like THICK girls... Cuz that's uhhhhh more uhhhh truthful hmmmmm... Why do black guys sag their pants? They look like midgets from the back. Tall torso midgets..
(nearly crash my car into another car)
Oh fine! She thinks I don't have control of my staff! I'll be tough, she'll see! What if they see me TOUCH A SPIDER!
(huffin and puffin too hard, almost fell off my bike in traffic while listening to KENNY LOGGINS GOD IM FUCKT)
Deeee deee deeee I almost sliced my fanger off in ypsilanti, dooo dooo dooo, don't worry I got plenty, deeeder deeder dee passed out while huffin cat litter
Doooder doo shouldna lef it in the shitter, did that rhyme with ypsilanti? Naw it shoulda... (beeeeeep beeeeeeeeeerrr [doppler effect] nearly crashed into another car)

The funniest person ever, Nikki Glaser

http://youhadtobetherepodcast.tumblr.com/
LISTEN TO IT!


Www. Nikkiglaser.tumblr.com
READ IT!

ODAR

I keep passing this business (?) and I gotta know: who is ODAR? it doesn't say. What would you appeal to him about? Doesn't say that either. Maybe he's just helpin out god, cuz I know I appeal to god at least three times a day, more if very hungover.

Could i appeal to ODAR if I'm extra hungover and can't reach the seltzer and Crystal hot sauce? (best hangover cure). Might I appeal to ODAR if I have something wrong gastrointestinally that might be constipation but I'm not sure cuz I've never had constipation? These are the things I appeal to god for. There are very few others,      but I'm inclined to think even god is too busy to listen to them. But how good is ODAR? can ODAR handle these pleas:?
Something is in my eye, it's  invisible, but I SWEAR IT'S HUGE!  Maybe it's a clear film covering my entire eye so I can't see it! I know something BIG is in there!!!?

Running into a long-talker with no ditch exit point?

Being real drunk and unable to figure out how the key goes in the hole and having to pee REAL BAD. Usually ends up with at least a slight pants-pee, warranting a prayer, in my opinion.

That's not that much, see? ODAR might be available to hear these concerns.

SPEAKING OF THAT!! i just sucked a slug of egg white out of my gin fizz! IT FELT LIKE A LONG SNOT BOOGER SLIDING DOWN MY THROAT! ODAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wai wai lemme esssplain!

Yes, I googled "penis eye doctor" i won't bother telling you why cuz I want you to assume I have a BIG PROB.
More importantly, once I found the thing I was looking for, this pop-up ad burst onto the scene, claiming to be able to find me a deal on PENIS EYE DOCTOR. It couldn't. If anyone knows where I can get a deal- lemme know

Mystery Man Roman Numeral II

Click on the attached QuickTime audio file to listen to your audio message.

THIS IS NEWS

ROYAL FLUSSHHHHHH

Yaknowwhatihate? When people think theyre GOING GREEN by not flushing their pee. Yeah you're going green alright; GOING GREEN COLORED PISS! Yes, if you actually DRINK A DROP OF WATER EVER it is ok to leave it there, otherwise be a man (not a hippie feminist) and flush it down the can!

But TAYYYY, I thought if it was yella you spoza let it mella!?!? Well ill tellya. If it's orange and smells like fishsticks, put it down the brisquet! 

Beee beeee deeee beeee deeeep beep... In related news: People in Michigan call Johnny on the Spots PORTAJOHNS! hahahh! 

The best PORT O' POTTY names are:

Willy Make it?

Doodie Calls

Uh Oh Gotta Go

What else, hmmmm.... That's all i know.