Clinical Rounds

When I was a manager of a program for adults with scchizophrenia, I had meetings with their caseworker to discuss what had happened recently. This was a list of recent goings on that needed bringing up at one of these meetings:

GK chipped his tooth on a pork rind
DG has "credit" at the BP station
MS said an invisible ghost buttfucked him in the night
TK has a strange undetectable blood disease that no doctor could possibly comprehend. Triglycerides are at fault i think


So you see my job was highly important. Stick this right on my résumé, boys!
Yes, I have boys who do my résumé.
Yes, my phone just changed resume to that fancy ass one with the short lines over the Es.
YES!

The answer's probably gonna be yes. YES A PORK RIND!

My Friends are Fuckt Part 1

My friend texted me that he got a "Strohs tattoo" from my other friend. (Stroh's = beer similar to stag, pbr, hamms in case you don't know)

So i assumed he got a tattoo of the Strohs logo.

Nope, worse, my friend says.

Oh! You got a Strohs can?

Way worse!

Tattoo while drinking a lot of Strohs? Tattoo of yourself drinking Strohs?

Nope!! HE PUT STROHS INTO THE INK, MIXED IT AND INJECTED IT INTO HIS SKIN!

Why? Why do my friends do these things? Drugs? It's got to be only partially. You don't see people on celeb rehab or intervention getting a tattoo with cheap-beer-ink. Here's a VERBATIM conversation my friends had the other night:

-Anybody want any acid?
-Ummmmmm maybe not tonight...but...well...is it any good?
-Weeeelllll it makes your spine hurt, and makes you feel bad.
-Oh like emotionally?
-Yyyyeeeaaaahhhh. Emotionally bad about yourself.
-Yeah man I'll take it off your hands if you're trying to get rid of it...

????????!!!!????!!!!!!?????????
Why do my FRIENDS say these things?

Seeds of the order, satellite daughter
She-goat of the east
Shadow reaper, restless sleeper
Desert pharoah
Golden messenger
Tidings
Waning
Scythe cuts through the land
A land of sand
Desert pharoah comin atcha
A new brand of SIN!
a precious gem enfolds
Encrypted in a layer o' gold
Forthwith the demon chills
From within his whimsy
Praytell mine scared sorcerer
Sacred boughs do twineth at thy baleful entrance
Rats scurry crost marble floors
BY MY TROTH!
twilight
Sabbath
Crest of the phoenix
Malfeasance
READING TO EAHOTHER FROM A JERRY GARCIA BIOGRAPHY
The gothest fairie
Solar Sand witch
Sleepless saplings
Oracle
Omen
Four corners
Shorn
Winding path
Tri-...
....sophy
...mancy

Gothificism

People dont care! Things people don't care about:

If your little brother pronounced something in a silly way when he was a baby

If you had a weeeiiirrrdddd dream

If the wound woulda been any closer to your lung, you woulda died

About your dog

About your cat

About your new diet

About your kooky accidental text

About ANY Sports

And for the instagrammers:

Please please please and you have to FEEL me on this one. Nobody cares what your baby did. No one cares if it can walk, talk, have a tooth, rode your dog, has the cutest halloween costume. I can do all of those things and I'm not a flesh burrito. I can ride your dog.

I don't want to see pictures of your baby. I don't want to see pictures of your dog or cat. DO YOU KNOW? NO ONE CARES! Don't you see it? No one thinks your dog is making a smug face. Only you see that. You see that gross thing everyday! Don't make me see it. You see an amazingly captured glimpse of your dog making a HILARIOUS face. Everyone else just sees a black blurry dog in a tacky bandana. STOP! it's BORING!

Now on to babies. Same as dogs 'cept some dogs look different from other dogs. Babies all look the exact same: vile. I don't wanna see your baby in person. See how I've been avoiding you since you had it? So what makes you think I want to see a photo of it? It makes me literally want to vomit.

Your meal is also not an acceptable photo subject. Why do I want to look at what you're about to eat when I have 33¢ in my bank account and am eating stale doritos out of a bag? Are you going to make me that food? If so, I'll care.

A picture of yourself is fine. So is 1,000 words. About yourself. If I know you. If I ask for them. If I CARE! If I don't know you, no picture of you will be necessary. If I do, one will suffice. I don't need to see YOU with friend YOU with a jaunty hat YOU with different friend this time YOU sitting on a ceramic lawn goose YOU with an outfit you find particularly stylish. See where I'm goin' with this? Notice how I didn't say I don't want to see YOU passed out in a gutter with a daiquiri and sharpie penises drawn on your face. Commence, Meredith. Nor did I say I don't want to see a photo of your Peter Gabriel shaved hairdo. Commence, Stee.

Nor, if I don't know you, do I want to hear about yourself, or, once again, ya baby. Did I ask how old your baby is? I realise you made it yourself. HOWEVER you didn't do any work, and you didn't do it on purpose. I made a really long shit not 15 minutes ago. Is anyone going to be proud of me? Maybe my mom can babysit it and I can put cute tiny nikes on it!

Wear It Til It Literally Rots Off Your Body 101

I used to play a game with my students when I taught autistic teens. Guess How Many Safety Pins are Holding Ms. McGraw's Outfit Together Today was its name. It was the highlight of their day, and in case you were wondering the highest number of pins was 9.
Therefore, I feel that I am experienced enough to teach a college course. With a lil resumé tweaking I tricked the Local College O' Fashion to let me teach a course. It is called Wear It Til It Literally Rots Off Your Body 101, or as the kooky kids call it WITILROYB 101. Here are some previews of the syllabus. If you would like to join this class just let me know. I guarantee you will spend 500% less money on clothes using my esteemed methods.

Section 1: If someone gave it to you, and you stop wearing it, something bad will happen to that person.

Section 2: If it always feels wet, you have done your job correctly.

Section 3: If your friends are disgusted by your sick pants, you have done your job correctly.

Section 4: Did this or did it not come out of a swamp?

Section 5: If your boss makes you come into his office and asks that you do not wear something to work again, that = success + compliment.

Section 6: Rethinking wet-feeling (from Sec. 2) At later dates you may be immune to this. Have a friend check. If it's real wet just leave the tights inside that you wear under them and never wash either.

Section 7: Help, it's not falling off! Don't worry- you've got nothin but time.

Section 8: Fat Roll Sweat Increases Value

 

This also has a ink transfer from a tattoo because I slept in it the night I got it. Also, my nail polish is, of course, rotting off.

Section 9: No leather- no problem

Section 10: Most value attained when the item is completely see-through when laying flat.

Section 11: There is hope. If it completely rots off, just re-sew it to be as 90's as possible.

Nice 'n' Nineties. Never Give up!

Beer beer cheese

FUCK! these are real live screen shots of the first things I saw when I looked at my phone on three separate mornings WEEKS apart! Really usin the technology to its fullest potential here!

Fall foliage in felony flats

If I die, I love you all.

Is it a halloween costume to wear a HUGE watch with 6 watches ON IT, a strange brew hat and a FUCKING CHAINSAW? because if not i'm gettin off this train at the next stop.

Someone please tell me you understandndndndnndndnnddd!

I just realised I spend a lot of time thinking about what's wrong with me. More accurately: I wonder what could be wrong with me, then realise I'm awesome, it's nothing, and that something's wrong with everyone else. This should be my first clue: I'm delusional. I mean I do think I'm better than saayyyy 85% of people, but there IS something wrong with me. After deciding I am awesome and something is wrong with everyone else I become angry at injustices only just now perceived as such. I get mad that I never noticed that everyone sucks, and then I get angry at my boyfriend, friends, parents, and most confusingly- ever person I pass on the street. Why is everybody pickin on meeee? I stage mock arguments between us all in my head ALL THE TIME. I can't walk down the street or sit on a chair or take a shit without a 'fantasy fight'- as I have come to call them- going on semi-sub-consciously in my head.

I can't remember when they started, only that I now cannot walk without fantasy fighting. A few days without meeting anyone or seeing any of my friends becomes first a self-esteem issue. What's wrong with meeee? Then I convince myself it's normal, it's fine, nobody hangs out with friends as much as it seems. Why do I even worry? Maybe the next day- or next hour- depending on how long I am without external stimuli- I get frustrated. Well who the fuck wouldn't want to do something with me? I'm so obviously awesome. I mean GOD! everyone else is stupid and boring sacks of potatoes. Nobody knows how to have fun like I do! I'm awesome! WHYYYY MEEEE?! Then I go to the thrift store and look at the lingerie section (where I usually buy my outerwear) and feel a pang of frustration and sadness. Well why should I even look at these garments (gross used nighties) when no one will ever see them because I have no friends and these clothes will never see the light of non-closet day. At this point the fight begins- COMPLETELY IN MY HEAD! I arrange a fight with someone who wants to tell me all my faults, or maybe even one of my friends that's recently been annoyed with me. I go through what I'd say- what he'd say- then I get madder. None of this will ever happen, actually. No one is ever really mad at me. This person telling me why I'm a bad friend doesn't exist.  I think of that and get more mad. Sometimes I go where no one could possibly see me and kick a dumpster or telephone pole lightly IN ANGER! I go through this for varying lengths of time until I go out and have fun with people and talk to my friends and they say I'm not a bad friend except for the annoying habit of thinking that people are mad at me all the time and I'm totally fine for a week or so. Then it begins again.

No one is spared though- You don't have to be my friend or even an imaginary man who tells me all my faults (as much as you may like to be)- if you look at me weird on the bus you can be sure there's a fantasy fight going on. There doesn't even have to be another human anywhere near me, and it's on. I will head towards the bus, make up a reason in my head for why the the bus driver might potentially ever want to give me slack, and have a fake fight. He's gonna tell me to use less pennies because it fills the machine. I'm gonna say IT'S U.S. CURRENCY, MAN, GET OVER IT! Then he's gonna kick me off the bus and I'm gonna call the transit authority and report him (I fantasy report bus drivers like 4 times a day). Then I actually get to the bus- we're in reality now, people- no such altercation occurs, and I go about my day. In fact- no such altercation EVER OCCURS! Why do I do this? God forbid I should LEARN. No matter how many times I say to myself that these arguments have NO basis in reality, no matter how many times I walk home from work yelling WHY? WHY DO I DO THIS? STOP! STOP DOING THIS!- I can't stop. It's a reflex, second nature. They go on before I consciously process that it's happening. It's like my mind splits and I'll be thinking of what kind of milk to buy with one side and arguing with the grocery clerk over a sale price discrepancy (I don't even care about sales!!!ahgggghhhhhhhh!) with the other. Never fails. I do this ALL DAY. I'm not exaggerating. I should make a tally. Ok, I'm gonna. Be right back!

Ok I'm back. Here's what I've done for the last 5 hours besides listen to a man with schizophrenia tell trick or treat jokes one after the other for literally an hour:

FANNNTASSSYYYYY FIGGHHHHHTTSSSS

My boss wrote an email and sent it to ?multiple people? wrongingly claiming he left me a message re: covering a shift. Well, he's a blame placer. He didn't call me and used my name in a pointless email so the blame would be off him when someone had to stay to cover the next shift. This=about a 2 hour fake fight

I wanted to leave work early, had to fake fight an overreacting coworker. He didn't give a fuck when it came down to it. ~15 min wasted

I texted my friend to see what he was doing tonight. I didn't want to go where he was, but wanted to see where he was for pointless reasons. I made up a reason why I couldn't go there but wanted to know where there was and we fantasy conversed about it. When it really happened he didn't even ask me to come there, and none of it mattered IN THE SLIGHTEST!- 10 min wasted

I said something weird to a new coworker then went over what she could be saying behind my back in my head. MAN SHE'S WEIRD! Is what I had to think of them all saying all night. I work with people with schizophrenia for god's sake! In locked facilities! Why would my coworkers care if I was weird? Why would I care if they cared? Some of them wear KHAKIS. One was listening to I'm pretty sure String Cheese Incident or Widespread Panic the whole shift. N-E-WAY... I WONDERED: should I clarify what I meant when I said the weird thing to her? I did and she didn't give any fucks. Probably 20 min off and on wasted

I had a fuckt encounter with random girl a couple weeks ago who turned out to be a supervisor at my new job. I didn't recognize her when I went to the first day of work at this particular place (I work at several locations). She admitted knowing who I was but claimed she did not know where from. I thought she was mistaken in knowing me, even though no one looks like me ever, no chance, but now know the truth AND know she knew all along where we knew each other from but played dumb! I've been wondering if I should confront her on knowing but pretending not to. This one is takin over my life. I am haunted by how weirdly I acted including ripping an Andre champagne bottle out of her hand and showing her how to open it cuz she was trying to open it delicately and daintily. And singing GET OVER IT, GET OVER IT ala DON HENLEY when she would not get over something. GAD! Not to mention my friend admitted he "whispered fucked up things in her ear all night". She left horrified. I decided to just never work shifts that she is scheduled! HA! This one, combined, maybe 5 hours over a week period spent fake encountering the issue

Bus drivers= at least 20 minutes a day

Non-Mentally-Ill-Cardboarders under 50 (people usually dressed and fed better than me whose jobs are to hold a dumb signs asking for money)= 20 minutes a day

That's just off the top of my head based on the last maybe 5 hours.

I once TOTALLY MADE UP SOME STUPID SHIT that I think illustrates this. I found a glass-like-I-dunno-casserole-dish in a free pile. I'd say it's 5'' by 9'' or so- pretty small. While carrying it down the street I had a fantasy fight with my boyfriend wherein he told me to stop picking up junk I don't need (never has, never would) and lamented that the item was pointless and too small (nope) In this fight I then told him that FINE! whenever I cooked anything in this dish, he couldn't have any. Then in this MADE UP STUPID FANTASY I cooked a really good tuna casserole (never have, never would) and he tried to eat some and boy did I ever Chicken "Of the Sea" Little him and tell him he couldn't have any. The next day I was trying to explain the fantasy fight thing to him (ok, this is really happening now) and he was appalled for good reason. He was doubly insulted that I would ever think he would care about the usefulness or size of a casserole dish, AND that I would fake fight with him in my head for a half hour. He rightly said that there was no way that it was good for our relationship to do this. I tried to explain that I don't really have control over it, that I know he wouldn't give one about a casserole dish, that I fake fight with EVERYONE even people that don't exist, AND that I would let him have some casserole even if he did make fun of my trash dish. He didn't really care, he thought I was a freak, and now no one who read this will ever want to hang out with me EVER! SO IT BEGINS!!!


HELP ME! THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!

I am 29. I'm still doing this and I don't know when I'll stop. I should be embarassed but I'm not.

So I'm on the free section of craigslist like every 15 minutes. Having just moved into an apartment I'm trying to find a table, chairs, couch, etc. Sometimes there's good stuff- sometimes not. Sometimes people realise all of the sudden that they're in Oregon and SHOULD NOT THROW ANYTHING AWAY EVER. On those days a good 99% of the posts are for free wood chips, free river rock, FREE DIRT. Really? Free dirt? Are people falling for this?
Hmm no sofas...oh wait, honey, come check this out. There's a big dump load of sifted DIRT a few blocks away! I'll fire up the subaru!
They come home with dirt because they get the craigslist psychosis. I know- it's happened to me. Actually just now I had a mild episode. I considered getting some free brine shrimp.
Hmmmm no dining tables, oooh brine shrimp! CUUUUUTEEE!
I even clicked on it.
Maybe it'll tell me what they eat. I have that big glass bowl I could...
Then something clicks.
Waaaaiiiiitttt BRINE SHRIMP!?!??!
I almost fell for it. I guess the slimmer the pickin's the more desperate we become.
Maybe I could find a table in the barter section. The owner could be a brine shrimp enthusiast. Ya never know. I'm gettin' desperate for trash. 'Fore I know it- I got the psychosis.
This phenomenon has got to be conneceted to the other disorder I develop that I call "free shit mania".
Say I'm riding my bike down the road and I find two alright free piles in a row and get some good stuff I've been needing. Then I get on this high and go get (steal) my boyfriend's car and start driving around looking for free stuff, and that's ok...for now. But if I find one more GOOD free thing, something in me snaps. The lines get blurred. I start seeing things on people's porches and thinking I can have them. I see a nice Saab and start drooling. Wonder if I could.... Nah. But it's by the CURB!
I see a tiny little man and think I can throw him in the trunk. I'M NOT LYING! One time I thought I could HAVE a HUMAN! He was by the curb! That's fair game! It's the mania.

Hmm should I? Could I? WHOA HOLD THE PHONE! BRINE SHRIMP!

Craigslist Farm Section: Yep. Betta stay in school!

Beautiful Arabian Quarter Horse Mare 7 years old shown and competed we call her (spinner) *registered* under (Misads Spinner) 14.3 hands born may 3, 2005 has a nice muscly boddie and pretty big but and a Arab baby face that makes you want to hug and kiss her but this is not a horse to be babied! she will take add vantage of YOU!! shown hunter. dressage,bareback,hunter jumper, pony club but would be a good cow horse, barrel, gaming ANYTHING!! moves like a ballerina you can watch for hours gorgeous extenuation! can go for hours on hours!  has a very nice and stedie head set! and is very gentle on the mouth if you have to strong of hands she will yang her head back and forth till you give it back! fly's over jumps little spooky very confident horse! loves people! has been shoes once but mostly goes bare foot nice feet! she has ability to do ANYTHING!!! i do not have time for her she is my love but i have school! :(

 He will put some nice colored babies on the ground
Has both down and will breed.
She is a horse you can just pull out the pasture and jump on bareback. She was Bred on Easter Sunday to a Black stud that has DockBar Bloodlines.
 He is not spooky and does not booger hunt
Mom is a Jack Russell I don't know what the dad is, they look like black mouth cur. The mom is also available, she was a stray that my son drug home, because he felt sorry for the dog. He realized that she was pregnant and someone through her out beside the road.

Uh oh! He gat onea my goils!

Alpaca Male - Quality - Price Reduced

Jasper has has herdshire quality bloodlines and characteristics. His DOB is October 11, 2008. Jasper's dam is Miner Creek's Bianca, a beautiful , 18 micron, 15/16ths Peruvian female ( ARI#30670488). Jasper's sire is Golden Pine Alpacas Rainman (ARI # 20010416). A recent writeup indicates that "Rainman is the product of the VERY finest-fleeced Hemingway dam Bobbie Ann and Accoyo El Nino, whose density and fleece character are legendary." Have fiber analysis for Jasper- 20 microns. Although I cannot say he has proven, from observation I believe he has bred my one of my girls. Call for questions 360-448-9260

BOAR BOE BRED TO NUBIAN BUCK

3 yr old Boer/nubian doe goat, red w/ white, previously kidded easily. May be currently be bred, she's been in with my registered fullblood Boer buck for about 4 weeks. $150 firm

Craigslist Farm Section=The Best!!

"I would consider trading some hay for him"

FREE NUBIAN DOE

Mazie is 3 yrs old. She has a breech still birth baby inside of her. I can't get it out because it is butt first and her cervics is, either; no longer dialated or never was dialated?! I have put a lot of money into her the past two months I have owned her. Her previous owners did not take care of her. If someone is welling to take her to the vet and get a c-section you can have her for free! She is a good goat. 

Here ya go!