This Is My Life: HARDSHIP

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Wear It Til It Literally Rots Off Your Body 101

I used to play a game with my students when I taught autistic teens. Guess How Many Safety Pins are Holding Ms. McGraw's Outfit Together Today was its name. It was the highlight of their day, and in case you were wondering the highest number of pins was 9.
Therefore, I feel that I am experienced enough to teach a college course. With a lil resumé tweaking I tricked the Local College O' Fashion to let me teach a course. It is called Wear It Til It Literally Rots Off Your Body 101, or as the kooky kids call it WITILROYB 101. Here are some previews of the syllabus. If you would like to join this class just let me know. I guarantee you will spend 500% less money on clothes using my esteemed methods.

Section 1: If someone gave it to you, and you stop wearing it, something bad will happen to that person.

Section 2: If it always feels wet, you have done your job correctly.

Section 3: If your friends are disgusted by your sick pants, you have done your job correctly.

Section 4: Did this or did it not come out of a swamp?

Section 5: If your boss makes you come into his office and asks that you do not wear something to work again, that = success + compliment.

Section 6: Rethinking wet-feeling (from Sec. 2) At later dates you may be immune to this. Have a friend check. If it's real wet just leave the tights inside that you wear under them and never wash either.

Section 7: Help, it's not falling off! Don't worry- you've got nothin but time.

Section 8: Fat Roll Sweat Increases Value


This also has a ink transfer from a tattoo because I slept in it the night I got it. Also, my nail polish is, of course, rotting off.

Section 9: No leather- no problem

Section 10: Most value attained when the item is completely see-through when laying flat.

Section 11: There is hope. If it completely rots off, just re-sew it to be as 90's as possible.

Nice 'n' Nineties. Never Give up!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Some Info About The Best Museum in Russia!

IT IS the zoological institute for zoology intsitutionally zoological museum, or something like that, in st. petersburg russia. please view these photos so that you may see the faces HORRIBLE TAXIDERMY! i believe that they gave some inmates a child's set of 3-color-only soviet tempera paints and constantly electrocuted them while making them paint faces onto these stretched pieces of bologna. MY CHILDREN i have seen dogs (yes pet dogs) with so many bald patches painted a shade that one might say loosely has some small amount of pigment hidden within its being that has a tiny speck of color CLOSE TO THE ORIGINAL COLOR OF ITS HAIR!! upon entering this FUCKED FEST one first sees a horse that looks like the velveteen rabbit on ketamine, a dog seemingly made of lumpy concrete and a chihuahua whose face clearly suggests that he had a large rod stuck into its butthole while still alive. these three prophets guard the door to this wonderland. look at the photos people! look at the sharks! there is one case with an elk bent down scratching its face with its hoof like a dog! have these people never been outside? ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE IN DOG POSES! weasels, elk, manatees! i think the people who did this taxidermy did it inside a gulag. they only saw two dogs and a rabid squirrel in their life and decided taxidermy was their calling. I mentioned their indescribably inappropriate lack of paint colors: PINKKKKK pink child's pink, greenish swamp mass and GREY! all else is нелзя! if they need to paint a shark's mouth, a baboon's ass, a bird's beak, you can bet it will be ladies room wall pink with no hint of shading! the specimens (an extremely extensive collection, very impressive amount of bird, snake, insect species, not to mention pet dogs! for some reason) are crammed together and covered in dust. lemme get in there with a dustbuster! i would love to work there for free! i would suck so much dust off that horse mummy's singed negro skin! i would lick that steve martin pelican damm neer klean! and let me tell you this. i have evidence. look at my photos. does that green parrot not have 2 GOOGLY EYES BEDAZZLED ONTO ITS HEAD!? this i ask of you. please correct me if i'm wrong. half those tiny peeeep peeeeps have only only wing and a tiny burnt out socket where its eye used to be. the insects all look like they're cheerin on college sports teams next to a keg. the birds all look like elizabeth taylor c. '97. i will leave out the michael jackson reference this time, but you can imagine. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! it is so magical and amazing! if only you could see!BEST! DARETH I SAYETH!