Friday, July 29, 2011

These are the texts my mom is paying for my phone for me to receive:

Macgregors machregors shithuggers. I just got up. Puked. Gonna eat my finger clean off. No car today.

Bastard left boner marks all over my bathroom

Do I need to go vegan? I look like Polly McPuffington.

I have to go drive a stripper to the gas station by her house for some pot roast.

Bunny hop wheel machine is riding around depot town in an old school bright gold motorcycle helmet + sunglasses on his low-rider. Serious next level shit!

THANKS MOM!

Texts I get when I'm in important meetings with like psychiatrists and social workers n shit when I'm not supposed to put my phone on silent in case I get an important call longest title ever:

"Scree, scree !", cries the Eagle.

Scree !

FREEDOM SCREE

FREEDOM SCREE

This is the sound of my soul

Boner + Chad

Teriyaki Jerry Garcia

You still got Tony Danza's number?

I have so much money ! Because I don't drink or smoke ! Freedom scree !

My dog had a purdy mouth!

I'm gonna cruch your iphone with my glider!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

MY TATZ

oh,hello, i noticed you was checkkin out my tatz. i have eleven; all of them awsome.

1. A fukkin sweet dragon cross my hole back. connincidenally my trailer park is called "The Phoenix" coninncidents? i think NOT!

2.  A pig with sunglasses and a nose percing and a lether jackit (KSHE 95)

3. A blond saylor woman with big tits and tats that match my tats, she even has a tat of her, but i couldnet fit a tat of her on her becase it wouldof been to small!

4. A swaztika, backwords of corse; meaning "good luck" not "i hate jews" or "blacks"

5. A pizza with peppirony eyes, a moshroon mouth, and a pepper nose (cute)

6. an eyeball eating  a corndog that i copyed off this hot girl colleen's boyfreind norm.

7. a SEXY frog lady (my first)

8. An upside down cross "satan"

9. A brickwall simbalizing my love for pink floyd sence 1985

10. "RIP Boner" with that good writing that i regret to say blacks get.

11. BLUE OYSTER CULT! that thing that is on there cds that looks like a hook but i s sweeter on the top!!!

 

Love,

LIL SEXXXY

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dr. Bachman

Dr. Bachman was my music teacher in elementary school. He used to make the white kids sit in the back of the class so we would "appreciate the struggles of blacks". He forbade us from saying "African Americans", saying that it was a PC way to make whites feel more superior. Well when we said "blacks" in our other classes it just made all our white teachers mad and got us in trouble. He also set up the drinking fountains for whites and blacks which meant Jimmy Shadburne no longer had his own drinking fountain (you know it was the small gross trickling one that everyone spit into) which meant the person who had to drink after him out of the White Fountain had cooties, which at my school for some reason meant you got hit repeatedly by everyone all day, which meant it was me everyday since I was like the second biggest loser after Jimmy Shadburne besides Diana, who I thought had permanent crusted snot running from her nose to her lip; which I realise now was a cleft lip, and Adam, who looked like Jeffrey Dahmer, who I fought with everyday about like numbers and spelling and rocks and shit; which I realise now is because he was fucking autistic. Anyway, pretty sure Adam and Diana drank out of the special ed fountain and I had to drink after Jimmy Shad thanks to Dr. Bachman. He was awesome and I'll never forget him. I hope all the white kids don't just see this as "reverse racism" now.
THE END


JUST KIDDING! theres more.
 He spent the first half of MUSIC CLASS every day listening to him talking about Rodney King.
One day we were playing telephone (barely did anything musical in there) and when the message got to me it was (I will never ever forget [9-11]) "Rodney King, a black man was beaten almost to death by white, racist cops" What? I'm like 9 and supposed to remember that? I guess everyone else did cause they were horrified of Dr. B? Unfortunately for me I thought the entire point of telephone was to change what you heard into something funny so I told the kid next to me something about rainbow ponies trotting on Rodney King. BIG MISTAKE. When the message got to Dr. B he was livid. He made every kid come out to the hall in order and tell him the message they heard so he could find out who changed it. It was obvious it was me! Even more unfortunately I dont remember how he punished me or what he said because I blocked it out probably due to trauma, but I do remember having to sit in the back corner next to Cortez for the rest of the year, who by this time had noticed my agitation due to his messing with Eye of the Tiger and started whispering "rising up, up on my cock, took my time, took my pants off"

ALSO Dr. B would let us get up and sing or dance something we made up. Me and my 2 other biggest dork in school friends did a twirling coreographed interpretive dance of I Will Show You the World or whatever that stupid Aladdin song was. Everyone was dying of laughter and Dr. B was PISSED!  He made every single person in the class write 3 apology letters, one for each disney dancer. GOD i wish i still had those!


Women are Sick Too


Women are fucking sick!!

A while ago I wrote about how disgust men are, and maybe I was being a little biased. Most men are sicker, its true. But lets not forget about how sick women are. These neon-tan grease-pallete face bitches make fun of me on the street and then go back to trying to attract men wearing short ruffly denim skirts and bejeweled thongs with stripper heels and panty hose because their legs are too sick to be displayed in the sunlight. Then these people try to flirt with disgusting men so they can PROCREATE!
Oh Tiffy, I'm so depressed! I just really want a baby to cuddle and care for! A BABY? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? Why would you want the worst curse ever? A blubbery little ugly blob whose head just lolls around on its weak little neck with its sick toothless little mouth emitting gurgles and screams into the night? I have nighmares about this! Have you seen one of these creatures being fed? It is absolutely the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!
Ok tune in soon for: BABIES ARE FUCKING SICK: PART 3 of my hatred tirade! Because just thinking about babies for a second fills me with such disgust, I feel I must write about it. 
Anyway back to women. Women jam all these fucked up chemicals up their vags so no one may ever smell them and know the truth. God forbid someone sees you in a store buying tampons. They would surely then know the horrible truth. You bleed once a month! Oh gooooodddddddd! Just shove a douche up there and a tampon or even sicker A PAD and then get some feminine wipes oh and maybe a can of pinesol to jam in there and you'll be good to go.
Then when these birds get old they will need to inject some botulism into their face and stretch it back like texas chainsaw massacre to keep the demeaning shrivelled-dick golfer child molester husband they eventually get. Get some fake tits too. Girls act like they get fake tits because people made fun of them when they were in highschool, but really it is because their tits just looked gross, so whatever. I was called No Bra McGraw (best insult ever) but I didn't go get some cancer sacs shoved into me.
Speaking of that I also know exactly what's going on under that shirt. You stuff your sick uneven stretch marked saggy tits into a pushup bra and think you're fooling people. I think any guy could imagine what would happen if they took that thing off. WHIPLASH! Then you laugh at me because I haven't shaved my armpits in a week and have holes in my shirt. At least I am not denying that I am a human being. At least I am not airbrusing my body with spray tan and panty hose and covering up my face with a large waffle of grease and powdered sugar to hide my identity. If you get alone with a man you better turn off the lights! He's gonna realise when he releases all your hooks and ties and shit and sees the imprint of your greasy orange face on his pillow, you're gonna fall apart like a dog shit in the rain. Better escape out the door before he looks at you!  

BUT I JUST REALLY WANT A BABY! Everything would be so much better! Oh it would just set everything right! Then he'd love meh!

Also, what is with these women acting like they like sports? No woman likes football. You are lying. You are lying to attract men and I am calling you out. Sports are so fucking stupid! If you play beer pong and try to act like one of the boys, I am on to you. If your myspace profile has quizzes like "which beer are you" and you get miller lite, bud light, or milwaukee's best, or if your background pic is of the cardinals or some other baseball team, you are fucked! I'm here to tell you, you will want a baby in a few years and that is disgusting! You will have to look back on what you did in college while you're trying (failing) to raise that sick blob into a sports fan, and one day you're gonna have to answer for it!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

this is dedicated to the ones i love


To the tune of 12 days o christmas please:

On the ______ day of ypsi bus my driver brought to me:

12 Drugs a-dealing
11 Bottle returns spilling
10 Pissed off veterans
9 gross teens fighting
8 gross dudes snoring
7 Babies screaming
6 gross fools staring
5 meth seizures
4 tinkerbell backpacks
3 people fucking
2 Burned face victims

And a wiccan passed out on my knee

image.png

my poetry: weed it and creep


! i got summda say. i don't use alotta words, yknow? some things are better left to the emagenation, specally things conserning  asain hooker's with gonnarya. not that they have to be asian or that i must nesesarally allready co-insadenally  have that verry same asian's egsact likeness tatood on my bysep. jeez, chill bra's im gettin cole in here! whateva! i a mexican!
hit it cheech!

takin' it slow
relaxin'
smokin' weeeeeeed
hangin' out
leanin' back
takin' pills
not bein' whack
snoozin'
boozin'
loozin'
hangin' 10
gettin' loose
chillaxin'
takin' no action
gettin' some satisfaction
on my morning wood
in da hood


more goth hataz


Date: Tue Nov 28 18:42:21 PST 2000
Name: Molech
Homepage: DIE

You worthless compilations of gothic feces.  You have absolutely no idea about
anything.  You are telling people what to do and how to look?  Please.  You're
insufferable self worship sickens me.  Go put glitter on your ass and hide for
if a true goth finds you he will drink your blood.


Some Goth Shit (aka this is what i get when i try to infiltrate teen goth chat sites)


You are such a fucking rude bastard with no respect for anyone. Not even
yourself. You have no right of calling yourself a Goth. By the way you treat
others you disgrace the name and are the one who gives us goths a bad name. I
think you should go back to sucking on you mom's nipple and beat off in the
shower more cause that's probably what your better at. You probably can't even
handle putting on a halloween costume without scaring yourself in the mirror.
Oh I'm sorry that isn't a costume it's your hideous face and your smell of a
dead animal that crawled up your ass and died.
Feel that rath of the black bird that could whip your ass with 2 broken wings
and while getting laid.
In death I believe
The Raven of the night
Burn in hell asshole.

Dear Diary


december 17, 1993
so i got mad and broke some good things. nothin' wrong wit 'em. is it like impossible to break already broke ass shit when you're drunk or what? so i guess my boyfriend is a fucking poet. not for long- but he can be a poet for as long as he wants. i just think its gay, kind of- you know no non-gay poets have been up in this bitch since like 1700. oh my god little penis waaaaaaaa! so annoying. anyway me and antoine were talking about maybe getting back together- he had a big dick but didn't know what to do with it besides try and stick it in my butt-hole. GOD knows i loved D'Marcus but i only let him stick it in once so there's no way tony's gonna get me SHITTIN BLOOD! anyway he was totally flirting with Latrice in 5th period, and it's annoying because she's only on her 5th period THIS MONTH because she be like 13 and shit! she needs to wax her stache or at least trim that, DAMN! anyway so i busted Andre, he had a poem in his backpack when i was looking for his....ummmmmm. ...poems or other incriminating shit and it was like 'roses drip blood for the ones who didn't make it"" are yuo fucking kidding me? he said oooooohhhh love is bitter wine. bitch aint never tasted wine at all, and why would it be bitter anyway? need to stop sniffin round yo grammas liquor cabinet anyway homeboy. whatever!!! i don't know how long i can go out with him anyway he likes jankyass latirce and now bitter wine? want some cheese with that???? fuck DAT SHIT! OUT!


Monday, July 11, 2011

MEN ARE SICK (cept my boyf and friends)



men are so fucked!!!! they are so pathetic! they shave their sick hairy chests so there's sick stubble and puff them out when they pass by a female on the street like pigeons and try to act tough like gypsy teens!  they think their lives are over because they are balding and realise that all the time they were trying to "play" women and wearing gold chains and smoking bongs and making a bed out of pizza boxes and making nice girls feel like shit because they have periods and fat asses that now it's too late and they are too embarassed to admit it so they get a girl they tormented in high school to marry them or start searching russian craigslist thinking they can actually get a thin healthy beautiful educated russian woman to date them without sending them any money for a plane ticket to come to america by writing ridiculously misspelled ads claiming they own a small business! people! i bought a plane ticket to russia and a 2 month visa and it costed me like $500. i am poor, people! i have eaten only kale and sriracha sauce for weeks on end to afford things like this! this is real. i read these on russian craigslist. i am sorry i cannot stop talking about these things:

HI MY NAME IS ROBERT AND I AM LOOKING FOR A WOMAN TO MARRIE I LIKE TO RIDE MY HARLEY AND GO FISHING HUNTING AND COOKING OVER A CAMP FIRE I HALFR A 6 YEAR OLED SON THAT I HALF FULL COSTY OF AND I AM RETIRED FROM THE US ARMY IF YOU ARE INTERSTED PLEAS SEND ME YOUR PICTURE HOPE TO HERE FROM YOU SOON MY NICK NAME IS BOB


HI MY NAME IS STEVE ,I AM ORIGINLY FROM CASABLANCA (MOROCCO)BUT I LIVE IN UNITED STATE,I AM A SINGLE FATHER WHO IS LOOKING FOR A GREAT WOMEN TO SHARE THE REST OF LIFE WITH.
THATS MATTER HOW SHE LOOK LIKE ,BUT MUST BE GOOD HEART,LOVE KIDS AND TRUSTFULL .
AGE NOT IMPORTANT

Russian women are so wonderfuly beautyful. I just wanted to say that. I wish I could find a grate woman from there to settale down with


OH HOW SWEET! first of all these kikes think they can charm a woman into marrying them when they can't even realise that NO ONE AT ALL KNOWS WHAT CRAIGSLIST IS IN RUSSIA! they should put up an ebay ad and they would get more lookers! then they type everything in CAPSLOCK like that's gonna help! how is this russian beaotty going to look up these words in the dictionary like, marrie, originly, beautyful! these are crucial strategical points in their bewitching siren songs!


look at any celebrity gossip site! all they do is talk about how paris hilton has cellulite to belittle these people, like paris hilton isn't fucked enough they have an entire article describing a blown up picture of her stupid leg. then some waste of skin like  kevin federlin who looks like a bloated testicle is on the site and they just say "oh this guy is a dumb guy, also kinda fat, no?" what? he is the most useless fuck on earth! they have kanye west on there who is a total retard and they can't even think of any good jokes about his mr. potato head face but then they have a story about how one of katie holmes' boobs is weird looking! that's a story! i saw on stars: they're just like us in whatever awesome magazine that's in where a girl was wearing a sandal and her pinkie toe popped out and looked funny! that was it! wow weird toe! no wonder i think constantly how fat i am when i weigh 125 pounds! men maybe retarded and fucked and ugly and wear rainbow refelcctive shades and push their fat arm in such  way that some might be fooled into thinking it's a muscle, but they sure have females thinking they need to be a slut to get a job and wear vag spray so sick fucking dogs don't sniff their crotch and listen to whatever fat negass oprah says about getting rid of belly flab!

it has gotten to the point where men actually think they are so superior that because they ride a harley and can type on the computer 4 words per minute (still havent found the capslock button though) that a russian woman will date them because women are so worried about their age and cellulite that they'll take what they can get. of course all these men want women 20 years younger than them because a woman within 10 years of their age would probably have a flabby ass and that would be UNACCEPTABLE!
god! yall know i am not even a feminist but i guess i am because i just said all that shit! sorry gotta go lift some weights and drink creatine and talk about tits! see ya!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

A conversation with this guy (yes those are bent spoons on his wrists)



me: WG, whats your favourite band?

wg: Ummm...Bones...Bones? Bones! (makes drumming hand motions)

me: Bone Thugs n Harmony?

wg: uhhhhhhhh (confused look, slower drumming motions)

me: its da first of da monnnnnth

wg: OHHHH! yeah... yeahh (confused look, still drumming) somethin like that...(trails off



UPDATE: another convo with this guy:


WG: (from across the parking lot) Hey girl! HEY! We outta bread!

me: I DONT CARE!

boss: maybe he means bread like... (money finger rub)

me: what kinda bread?

wg: Uhhhh...like...(indicates with hands about the size of a human baby) uhhh... MEDIUM? (looks at hands as if he doesnt even understand what he's doing cuz I sure as H E double hockey sticks dont) uhhhhh.... yeahhh medium (trails off)