This Is My Life

Why do wine descriptions have to be so pretentious, unhelpful and bullshit? What exactly is all this about berries, cinnamon, husks, and depth? Will I or will I not wake up in a strange apartment with my pants on inside out? Let's get down to business. Are they gonna tell me anything USEFUL on the back of these bottles? If I'm at a place where there IS a $5 bottle of wine, I'm probably LOOKING for a $5 bottle of wine.
Does ANYONE care or believe this shit about how the vineyard is old and wise, or about how magically the vines are trellised? I saw Fantasia, I know it's just a bunch of sickies stomping on the grapes anyway. I don't recall them even CARING which kind of grapes they were picking. Were they even human? Is anyone assessing this $4.99 bottle of wine for its spice aroma? I am just gonna drink half a bottle and watch Friday the 13th, parts I and II anyway, so why am I wondering who is assessing this stuff?
And about these wine pairings. Can we please get real on this one, too?
-A fine malbec, goes perfectly with the purse of the next person with $8 who needs an excuse to invite some sleaze over after the bar and liquor store have closed.
-This wine is a perfect compliment for a pillow and your face.
I would buy the last one for sure.