Whadidda banshee eva dooda yoo?

"What do you know about Hitler? I'm his decapitated head"

"I don't know where I got these...(points to watches) probably from a corpse"

"My head hurts like a banshee"

"The earwax is packed in there like a banshee"

Large birds are polite and don't fuck with humans. They stay out of our business, and  I think that's nice, but weird. Why? Why do they stay out of our business? Why don't they flap by real close just to scare us? Why don't they steal a bagel from an unsuspercting pedest? The world would be a much scarier place if animals were not scared, and did not OBEY. Why doesn't someone write a horror movie about this? It would be way scarier and definitely more original than a zombie movie for god's sake!  I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THE ZOMBIE MOVIES! And I haven't even seen one! A huge crow pecking your eye is WAY more fucked, scary, and real than a slow ass zombie wriggling near you and going "ehhhhhghhhhhhh". Crows are large and in charge and unlike zombies have all their body parts and are ready to hurt you with them. Have you ever seen one close up? They're enormous! But we get to live in NO FEAR of them, except that crazy woman on Maury who was horrified of even parakeets. You couldn't even go on a walk or get yer damn starbucks. You would have to live in CONSTANT FEAR of squirrels, birds, rodents, and crows. One day they'll all realize their power, and on that day humans will be fucked.
 
THE END
BY PAULY SHORE

"Do you make anything else besides human meat products?"

"Yes. Slide rulers. For measuring. Made out of human flesh"

Things said to me today

"I think Christmas would be a good time to show you my human hides"

"We're gonna have to get that Pampers back."

"My boners are priceless."

"Hi! Do you smoke"

"Nope"

"Hmmm, are you very old?"

"Will someone PLEASE mark that down as an episode of incontinence?"

"Hello, Ma'am. Do you think this is Earth?"

"Just do what he says, hon, this is his house. Give him the soda. He wants the soda and he's willing to kill for it" (dude talking in third person)

"Dear god, please give Mezzmer Ralphie Malphie a lot of money, US money. He has only seen two or three fifties and one 100 one time. Amen"

(Praying to this:)

" You promised you would jerkkkkk and twiiiisssttt the nail, rending deep into the flesh. You PROMISED." 

(Sure didn't! Think I'd remember that one)

I want y'all to understand my job. I mean really understand what it's like to work with people with severe mental illness. So you can betta appreciate me. I know I'm not spoza, but here is a sneak peak of someone's psych assessment. Just see if you could handle this complicated shit:

Client: P_____ S________

Psychiatric Assessment

Axis I- 265.4 Schizophrenia, undifferentiated type

295.3 Anxiety Disorder NOS

Axis II- deferred

Axis III- 422.3 Decaf Coffee with 3 ice cubes, 4 sugar packets (yellow), 3 creamers, 2 stir sticks, tan cup only, packet of cocoa

Axis IV- 542.4 Capri Light 100s, 2 on patio per shift, supervised

Axis V- GAF 69

This patient exhibits a need for CIGARETTES AND COFFEE AND THE ABILITY TO CALL THE GOVERNOR AND THREATEN TO KILL HIM ONCE PER SHIFT

Haha jus kiddin! Didja think I was gonna be serioso? I light cigarettes and pour coffee ALL DAY. YOU COULD DO IT ANYONE COULD A DOG OR SMART CAT COULD DO IT A DEAD CORPSE COULD BE ELECTROCUTED SO HIS HAND SHOT UP AND IT COULD ALSO AT THAT TIME LIGHT A CIGARETTE FROMTHE BURNING FINGER OR EVEN WARM UP COFFEE WITH IT AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (just kidding I love it)