Clinical Rounds

When I was a manager of a program for adults with scchizophrenia, I had meetings with their caseworker to discuss what had happened recently. This was a list of recent goings on that needed bringing up at one of these meetings:

GK chipped his tooth on a pork rind
DG has "credit" at the BP station
MS said an invisible ghost buttfucked him in the night
TK has a strange undetectable blood disease that no doctor could possibly comprehend. Triglycerides are at fault i think


So you see my job was highly important. Stick this right on my résumé, boys!
Yes, I have boys who do my résumé.
Yes, my phone just changed resume to that fancy ass one with the short lines over the Es.
YES!

The answer's probably gonna be yes. YES A PORK RIND!

My Friends are Fuckt Part 1

My friend texted me that he got a "Strohs tattoo" from my other friend. (Stroh's = beer similar to stag, pbr, hamms in case you don't know)

So i assumed he got a tattoo of the Strohs logo.

Nope, worse, my friend says.

Oh! You got a Strohs can?

Way worse!

Tattoo while drinking a lot of Strohs? Tattoo of yourself drinking Strohs?

Nope!! HE PUT STROHS INTO THE INK, MIXED IT AND INJECTED IT INTO HIS SKIN!

Why? Why do my friends do these things? Drugs? It's got to be only partially. You don't see people on celeb rehab or intervention getting a tattoo with cheap-beer-ink. Here's a VERBATIM conversation my friends had the other night:

-Anybody want any acid?
-Ummmmmm maybe not tonight...but...well...is it any good?
-Weeeelllll it makes your spine hurt, and makes you feel bad.
-Oh like emotionally?
-Yyyyeeeaaaahhhh. Emotionally bad about yourself.
-Yeah man I'll take it off your hands if you're trying to get rid of it...

????????!!!!????!!!!!!?????????
Why do my FRIENDS say these things?

Seeds of the order, satellite daughter
She-goat of the east
Shadow reaper, restless sleeper
Desert pharoah
Golden messenger
Tidings
Waning
Scythe cuts through the land
A land of sand
Desert pharoah comin atcha
A new brand of SIN!
a precious gem enfolds
Encrypted in a layer o' gold
Forthwith the demon chills
From within his whimsy
Praytell mine scared sorcerer
Sacred boughs do twineth at thy baleful entrance
Rats scurry crost marble floors
BY MY TROTH!
twilight
Sabbath
Crest of the phoenix
Malfeasance
READING TO EAHOTHER FROM A JERRY GARCIA BIOGRAPHY
The gothest fairie
Solar Sand witch
Sleepless saplings
Oracle
Omen
Four corners
Shorn
Winding path
Tri-...
....sophy
...mancy

Gothificism

People dont care! Things people don't care about:

If your little brother pronounced something in a silly way when he was a baby

If you had a weeeiiirrrdddd dream

If the wound woulda been any closer to your lung, you woulda died

About your dog

About your cat

About your new diet

About your kooky accidental text

About ANY Sports

And for the instagrammers:

Please please please and you have to FEEL me on this one. Nobody cares what your baby did. No one cares if it can walk, talk, have a tooth, rode your dog, has the cutest halloween costume. I can do all of those things and I'm not a flesh burrito. I can ride your dog.

I don't want to see pictures of your baby. I don't want to see pictures of your dog or cat. DO YOU KNOW? NO ONE CARES! Don't you see it? No one thinks your dog is making a smug face. Only you see that. You see that gross thing everyday! Don't make me see it. You see an amazingly captured glimpse of your dog making a HILARIOUS face. Everyone else just sees a black blurry dog in a tacky bandana. STOP! it's BORING!

Now on to babies. Same as dogs 'cept some dogs look different from other dogs. Babies all look the exact same: vile. I don't wanna see your baby in person. See how I've been avoiding you since you had it? So what makes you think I want to see a photo of it? It makes me literally want to vomit.

Your meal is also not an acceptable photo subject. Why do I want to look at what you're about to eat when I have 33¢ in my bank account and am eating stale doritos out of a bag? Are you going to make me that food? If so, I'll care.

A picture of yourself is fine. So is 1,000 words. About yourself. If I know you. If I ask for them. If I CARE! If I don't know you, no picture of you will be necessary. If I do, one will suffice. I don't need to see YOU with friend YOU with a jaunty hat YOU with different friend this time YOU sitting on a ceramic lawn goose YOU with an outfit you find particularly stylish. See where I'm goin' with this? Notice how I didn't say I don't want to see YOU passed out in a gutter with a daiquiri and sharpie penises drawn on your face. Commence, Meredith. Nor did I say I don't want to see a photo of your Peter Gabriel shaved hairdo. Commence, Stee.

Nor, if I don't know you, do I want to hear about yourself, or, once again, ya baby. Did I ask how old your baby is? I realise you made it yourself. HOWEVER you didn't do any work, and you didn't do it on purpose. I made a really long shit not 15 minutes ago. Is anyone going to be proud of me? Maybe my mom can babysit it and I can put cute tiny nikes on it!

Wear It Til It Literally Rots Off Your Body 101

I used to play a game with my students when I taught autistic teens. Guess How Many Safety Pins are Holding Ms. McGraw's Outfit Together Today was its name. It was the highlight of their day, and in case you were wondering the highest number of pins was 9.
Therefore, I feel that I am experienced enough to teach a college course. With a lil resumé tweaking I tricked the Local College O' Fashion to let me teach a course. It is called Wear It Til It Literally Rots Off Your Body 101, or as the kooky kids call it WITILROYB 101. Here are some previews of the syllabus. If you would like to join this class just let me know. I guarantee you will spend 500% less money on clothes using my esteemed methods.

Section 1: If someone gave it to you, and you stop wearing it, something bad will happen to that person.

Section 2: If it always feels wet, you have done your job correctly.

Section 3: If your friends are disgusted by your sick pants, you have done your job correctly.

Section 4: Did this or did it not come out of a swamp?

Section 5: If your boss makes you come into his office and asks that you do not wear something to work again, that = success + compliment.

Section 6: Rethinking wet-feeling (from Sec. 2) At later dates you may be immune to this. Have a friend check. If it's real wet just leave the tights inside that you wear under them and never wash either.

Section 7: Help, it's not falling off! Don't worry- you've got nothin but time.

Section 8: Fat Roll Sweat Increases Value

 

This also has a ink transfer from a tattoo because I slept in it the night I got it. Also, my nail polish is, of course, rotting off.

Section 9: No leather- no problem

Section 10: Most value attained when the item is completely see-through when laying flat.

Section 11: There is hope. If it completely rots off, just re-sew it to be as 90's as possible.

Nice 'n' Nineties. Never Give up!