Asterisk Face

I've been hanging out in the goth dating site again. still a 28 year old woman

Two moldy potates just coincidentally happened to be hanging outside the club one night. One fat one was smoking hash out of a corncob pipe and the other was wearing both a demonic shitface and a two-peice tutu. "Listen my good bitch," the big fat one said as he lit one of his eyes on fire "I got this deal I'd like to cut you in on, as long as you won't be too crabby"

"What the fuck, man? I don know you from Biblio and you tryin to cut me in on some deal, man? What the fuck?  I don know you- get on! Wait madda fac- lemme tell you bout this deal I'd like to cut you in on. I'd like to cut up your big body and and then put it in a soup cuz you nothin but a big potato ass head lookin mothafucka! Got some leg warmers on an shit, smokin somethin stankin like ass out yo old man river corn cob pipe! Need to be sittin on a rockin chair on some ol ass porch not tryina pimp yo wares outsiduduh hottest club in LA. Anna notha thing- you just lit yo ol ass head on fire. You so old you aint got no feeling in ya head. Old alteimer ass don't feel onea his eye on flame! SHIT! Ole as methusalem an shit...psshhh."

"Oh, okay, I can see you would probably have been too crabby for this deal anyway, see you later," And the old wiccan potato shaman vanished into thin hair.

STOP PLEASE STOP

What is with people's Things That Make Me Happy Lists?
Kill me if I ever make a list and these things are on it:
-Bamboo utensil sets
-Fluffy cats
-Thick hearty soups
-Knitting baby clothes
-Realistically meat-like Vegan food
-Fiestaware
-Warm buttered popcorn
-Cat naps
-Making a warm fort inside to ignore the thunderstorm
-Being part of a thriving community
-Hand in hand walks on a brisk autumn day
-CRAFTING esp DIY
-A cracklin fire and christmas tunes
-Warming your gloved hands with an early morning caramel latte
Kill me! Kill me so many times kill me! Stop being assholes!! Isnt it easier to say:
Comfort
Shelter
Warmth
Beauty
Isn't it easier? Then you won't look like the Ann Arbor stick someone stuck up your ass broke off, travelled north, and is stabbing you in the brain.
Here's my (maybe sociopathic) list:
-Insect KILLING and pinning
-When people stop asking me repetitive questions FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE
-People with schizophrenia
-Crisp as fuck pickles
-Imagining helmeted ann arbor sidewalk bikers biting the dust SO HARD
-Trailer park boys
-Watching intervention while drinking and doing the very drugs these people are being intervened for
-Not having a reason to shower for a week
-Stepping on a really crunchy leaf
-Bus people
-Being better than almost everyone
-Hating things
Am I a sociopath? Maybe. But I'm a happy one cuz I get all of the things on my gay ass HAPPY LIST every single day if I want. So take your Martha Stewart ass shit outta my face! If I decide to go to the co-op or BED BATH AND INTO THE FUTURE i've asked for it I GUESS. But otherwise, its unwarranted and everyone who knows anything (me) thinks you're a dead pigeon! Let's all set our sights a lil lower for once! Buy the next homeless person you see a carmel latte if you want to help your community thrive! See what they do! Burn your face with it, that's what! FUCK!

Frederick "Michael" Douglas

"ahhh excoos me, mr chairmen" a slinky slimy little fellow calls out, and the hearing begins.

"I think the hearing should begin!"  (Frederick Douglas) says. 

"I thought he just was really tan," said R. Bladderhead of N.Carolina.

"OMG" said a nervous and goat-looking Morrissey fan.

"Please, can we all get settled!", bawled the chairman. "I see so many Mr. Swirley Ice Cream heads that I feel like I'm on lysergic acid!"

"Uh, that hasn't been invented yet, sir," Thomas Jefferson bitches.

Some unseen heckler cried "Drink some more brandy, why don't ya Jefferson, ya old BOOZE HOUND!" 

"I'll just drink this ink until we all get done with our hangovers and start the meeting!" The chairman drank the ink until he died.

"Frderick Douglas then began doing something. "That's what they do, if left unchecked!" Yelled Jefferson.

Slavery was abolished in 1865.

Check thiiiiiiiisssss out

lindsey buckin' ham

majestic

Has something weird and unexplainable ever come out of your butt?
Like a shrimp still in its little sheath, but blackened, even though you're pretty fuckin sure you desheathed AND depooped all the shrimp you've ever eaten in your life AND that in your extreme shrimp connoisseurdom you are pretty fuckin positive a TAR BLACK shrimp never snuck past your sight into your mouth, remained unchewed and swam through your entire digestive system to the bitter end?
No?
You're hired.

Why do wine descriptions have to be so pretentious, unhelpful and bullshit? What exactly is all this about berries, cinnamon, husks, and depth? Will I or will I not wake up in a strange apartment with my pants on inside out? Let's get down to business. Are they gonna tell me anything USEFUL on the back of these bottles? If I'm at a place where there IS a $5 bottle of wine, I'm probably LOOKING for a $5 bottle of wine.
Does ANYONE care or believe this shit about how the vineyard is old and wise, or about how magically the vines are trellised? I saw Fantasia, I know it's just a bunch of sickies stomping on the grapes anyway. I don't recall them even CARING which kind of grapes they were picking. Were they even human? Is anyone assessing this $4.99 bottle of wine for its spice aroma? I am just gonna drink half a bottle and watch Friday the 13th, parts I and II anyway, so why am I wondering who is assessing this stuff?
And about these wine pairings. Can we please get real on this one, too?
-A fine malbec, goes perfectly with the purse of the next person with $8 who needs an excuse to invite some sleaze over after the bar and liquor store have closed.
-This wine is a perfect compliment for a pillow and your face.
I would buy the last one for sure.

"Ideas" in my Idea Notebook that completely elude my memory or comprehension (from the past month even)

---Construct worker with hard hat full of salad "you could eat something FRESHHHHHH!"
---EXCUSES
my dog has...fallen
My caterpillar is emerging from its cocoon
Im covered in period blood
---And now my foot is like a painful claw huhhhh
I like the cane
Thanks, goes good with my disease
---Hyosiyfehsoarsifoydc? Call maury
---I traded my body for a can of soda
I had sex on a rock
Sex for a double cheeseburger
Youre not really proud about having sex for a double cheeseburger?
Double cheeseburger. Taste good!
---Did you ever wake in the night to the sound of street cats making love?
YEAH, this guy took acid so...

Shopping Again!

LOGIC

Schiz: Today is Columbus Day dere and uhhhh he's a founding father of uhh America dere, yeah.
Me: Yeah? I'm not sure he's quite a founding father...
Schiz: Oh yeah, uhhh well he uhhh found it, so uhhhhh
Me: YEAH! He must be a founding father. He found the damn thing!
Schiz: Yeah right, the uhh ships and he got here so.... The CSTS is closed today.

This Broke Bitch

The Absolute Epitome

I just googled LAZINESS CURE even though i know damn well the cure is GETTING OUT OF BED! I am so lazy I am trying to cut corners by finding a website that will tell me I can cure my laziness WHILE STILL REMAINING IN BED.

TRY AND TELL ME IM AN ADULT NOW, JOHN HODER!

SHOPPING LIST

God, I will never be an adult. I try and try. I own a Saab from 1989. I listen to Steely Dan and Supertramp. I'm listening to Donald Fagen right now! I have a note in my phone that says "try to be as Fagen as possible!!" I work 40 hours a week. None of this is working! Too bad my job consists of hanging out with schizophrenics, my car barely works and has a dashboard full of dessicated animals, and I dress like a 15 year old goth. I'm just not cut out to be an adult...where I really shine is watching intervention in my boyfriend's bed drinking champagne. (I am certainly not adult enough to own a refrigerator or even a cup to drink champagne out of at my own hovel) I just want to get drugs and go to renaissance festival and pee my pants cuz I accidentally wore a leotard that i couldnt remove fast enough. I want to talk about dicks and prank people and sing Crowded House songs to my taxidermy fox. I do not want to craft, match, talk, watch sports, or relay or understand feeeeelings. I guess other girls have feelings. Maybe that's why they're called feemales. Not me. cept between the 18th and the 24th of the month where I cry about friendship and shit. Also, I'm okay with my outfit being held together by 8 safety pins and not having a pair of shoes that fit. I'm okay with only drawing meth faces and people with congenital birth defects, laughing at them in my room alone. So why, when I'm out in the "real world" do I have to be so embarrassed about these things? When I go to the Mental Health Services building the caseworkers and psychiatrists invariably think I am mentally ill and look around asking the patient where his caretaker is. They sometimes question it when they point to me, or at least turn red and nervously laugh. When I taught spec ed I'd get asked for my hall pass from all the other teachers and walkie talkie hall assholes. I used to give a prize to the autistic student who could guess the number of safety pins that were holding my outfit together. Some of them must have actually seen me as an adult cuz theyd guess like 1 or 2. HA! more like 10! They were aut-some so they didn't even realise I'm an immature fuck


PS things of note ive done today
Picked up a dead bird and have it in a save a lot bag next to me as I drive around eating goldfish and listening to elvin bishop

Threw a fit cuz my boss was actin like he wasn't gonna let me go to the psych ward to visit a client

A schizophrenic lady told me to stop singing so I ran around her in circles SCREEING out her name over and over

Ok im depressed