Tuesday, October 30, 2012
If I die, I love you all.
Is it a halloween costume to wear a HUGE watch with 6 watches ON IT, a strange brew hat and a FUCKING CHAINSAW? because if not i'm gettin off this train at the next stop.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Someone please tell me you understandndndndnndndnnddd!
I just realised I spend a lot of time thinking about what's wrong with me. More accurately: I wonder what could be wrong with me, then realise I'm awesome, it's nothing, and that something's wrong with everyone else. This should be my first clue: I'm delusional. I mean I do think I'm better than saayyyy 85% of people, but there IS something wrong with me. After deciding I am awesome and something is wrong with everyone else I become angry at injustices only just now perceived as such. I get mad that I never noticed that everyone sucks, and then I get angry at my boyfriend, friends, parents, and most confusingly- ever person I pass on the street. Why is everybody pickin on meeee? I stage mock arguments between us all in my head ALL THE TIME. I can't walk down the street or sit on a chair or take a shit without a 'fantasy fight'- as I have come to call them- going on semi-sub-consciously in my head.
I can't remember when they started, only that I now cannot walk without fantasy fighting. A few days without meeting anyone or seeing any of my friends becomes first a self-esteem issue. What's wrong with meeee? Then I convince myself it's normal, it's fine, nobody hangs out with friends as much as it seems. Why do I even worry? Maybe the next day- or next hour- depending on how long I am without external stimuli- I get frustrated. Well who the fuck wouldn't want to do something with me? I'm so obviously awesome. I mean GOD! everyone else is stupid and boring sacks of potatoes. Nobody knows how to have fun like I do! I'm awesome! WHYYYY MEEEE?! Then I go to the thrift store and look at the lingerie section (where I usually buy my outerwear) and feel a pang of frustration and sadness. Well why should I even look at these garments (gross used nighties) when no one will ever see them because I have no friends and these clothes will never see the light of non-closet day. At this point the fight begins- COMPLETELY IN MY HEAD! I arrange a fight with someone who wants to tell me all my faults, or maybe even one of my friends that's recently been annoyed with me. I go through what I'd say- what he'd say- then I get madder. None of this will ever happen, actually. No one is ever really mad at me. This person telling me why I'm a bad friend doesn't exist. I think of that and get more mad. Sometimes I go where no one could possibly see me and kick a dumpster or telephone pole lightly IN ANGER! I go through this for varying lengths of time until I go out and have fun with people and talk to my friends and they say I'm not a bad friend except for the annoying habit of thinking that people are mad at me all the time and I'm totally fine for a week or so. Then it begins again.
No one is spared though- You don't have to be my friend or even an imaginary man who tells me all my faults (as much as you may like to be)- if you look at me weird on the bus you can be sure there's a fantasy fight going on. There doesn't even have to be another human anywhere near me, and it's on. I will head towards the bus, make up a reason in my head for why the the bus driver might potentially ever want to give me slack, and have a fake fight. He's gonna tell me to use less pennies because it fills the machine. I'm gonna say IT'S U.S. CURRENCY, MAN, GET OVER IT! Then he's gonna kick me off the bus and I'm gonna call the transit authority and report him (I fantasy report bus drivers like 4 times a day). Then I actually get to the bus- we're in reality now, people- no such altercation occurs, and I go about my day. In fact- no such altercation EVER OCCURS! Why do I do this? God forbid I should LEARN. No matter how many times I say to myself that these arguments have NO basis in reality, no matter how many times I walk home from work yelling WHY? WHY DO I DO THIS? STOP! STOP DOING THIS!- I can't stop. It's a reflex, second nature. They go on before I consciously process that it's happening. It's like my mind splits and I'll be thinking of what kind of milk to buy with one side and arguing with the grocery clerk over a sale price discrepancy (I don't even care about sales!!!ahgggghhhhhhhh!) with the other. Never fails. I do this ALL DAY. I'm not exaggerating. I should make a tally. Ok, I'm gonna. Be right back!
Ok I'm back. Here's what I've done for the last 5 hours besides listen to a man with schizophrenia tell trick or treat jokes one after the other for literally an hour:
FANNNTASSSYYYYY FIGGHHHHHTTSSSS
My boss wrote an email and sent it to ?multiple people? wrongingly claiming he left me a message re: covering a shift. Well, he's a blame placer. He didn't call me and used my name in a pointless email so the blame would be off him when someone had to stay to cover the next shift. This=about a 2 hour fake fight
I wanted to leave work early, had to fake fight an overreacting coworker. He didn't give a fuck when it came down to it. ~15 min wasted
I texted my friend to see what he was doing tonight. I didn't want to go where he was, but wanted to see where he was for pointless reasons. I made up a reason why I couldn't go there but wanted to know where there was and we fantasy conversed about it. When it really happened he didn't even ask me to come there, and none of it mattered IN THE SLIGHTEST!- 10 min wasted
I said something weird to a new coworker then went over what she could be saying behind my back in my head. MAN SHE'S WEIRD! Is what I had to think of them all saying all night. I work with people with schizophrenia for god's sake! In locked facilities! Why would my coworkers care if I was weird? Why would I care if they cared? Some of them wear KHAKIS. One was listening to I'm pretty sure String Cheese Incident or Widespread Panic the whole shift. N-E-WAY... I WONDERED: should I clarify what I meant when I said the weird thing to her? I did and she didn't give any fucks. Probably 20 min off and on wasted
I had a fuckt encounter with random girl a couple weeks ago who turned out to be a supervisor at my new job. I didn't recognize her when I went to the first day of work at this particular place (I work at several locations). She admitted knowing who I was but claimed she did not know where from. I thought she was mistaken in knowing me, even though no one looks like me ever, no chance, but now know the truth AND know she knew all along where we knew each other from but played dumb! I've been wondering if I should confront her on knowing but pretending not to. This one is takin over my life. I am haunted by how weirdly I acted including ripping an Andre champagne bottle out of her hand and showing her how to open it cuz she was trying to open it delicately and daintily. And singing GET OVER IT, GET OVER IT ala DON HENLEY when she would not get over something. GAD! Not to mention my friend admitted he "whispered fucked up things in her ear all night". She left horrified. I decided to just never work shifts that she is scheduled! HA! This one, combined, maybe 5 hours over a week period spent fake encountering the issue
Bus drivers= at least 20 minutes a day
Non-Mentally-Ill-Cardboarders under 50 (people usually dressed and fed better than me whose jobs are to hold a dumb signs asking for money)= 20 minutes a day
That's just off the top of my head based on the last maybe 5 hours.
I once TOTALLY MADE UP SOME STUPID SHIT that I think illustrates this. I found a glass-like-I-dunno-casserole-dish in a free pile. I'd say it's 5'' by 9'' or so- pretty small. While carrying it down the street I had a fantasy fight with my boyfriend wherein he told me to stop picking up junk I don't need (never has, never would) and lamented that the item was pointless and too small (nope) In this fight I then told him that FINE! whenever I cooked anything in this dish, he couldn't have any. Then in this MADE UP STUPID FANTASY I cooked a really good tuna casserole (never have, never would) and he tried to eat some and boy did I ever Chicken "Of the Sea" Little him and tell him he couldn't have any. The next day I was trying to explain the fantasy fight thing to him (ok, this is really happening now) and he was appalled for good reason. He was doubly insulted that I would ever think he would care about the usefulness or size of a casserole dish, AND that I would fake fight with him in my head for a half hour. He rightly said that there was no way that it was good for our relationship to do this. I tried to explain that I don't really have control over it, that I know he wouldn't give one about a casserole dish, that I fake fight with EVERYONE even people that don't exist, AND that I would let him have some casserole even if he did make fun of my trash dish. He didn't really care, he thought I was a freak, and now no one who read this will ever want to hang out with me EVER! SO IT BEGINS!!!
HELP ME! THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!
I can't remember when they started, only that I now cannot walk without fantasy fighting. A few days without meeting anyone or seeing any of my friends becomes first a self-esteem issue. What's wrong with meeee? Then I convince myself it's normal, it's fine, nobody hangs out with friends as much as it seems. Why do I even worry? Maybe the next day- or next hour- depending on how long I am without external stimuli- I get frustrated. Well who the fuck wouldn't want to do something with me? I'm so obviously awesome. I mean GOD! everyone else is stupid and boring sacks of potatoes. Nobody knows how to have fun like I do! I'm awesome! WHYYYY MEEEE?! Then I go to the thrift store and look at the lingerie section (where I usually buy my outerwear) and feel a pang of frustration and sadness. Well why should I even look at these garments (gross used nighties) when no one will ever see them because I have no friends and these clothes will never see the light of non-closet day. At this point the fight begins- COMPLETELY IN MY HEAD! I arrange a fight with someone who wants to tell me all my faults, or maybe even one of my friends that's recently been annoyed with me. I go through what I'd say- what he'd say- then I get madder. None of this will ever happen, actually. No one is ever really mad at me. This person telling me why I'm a bad friend doesn't exist. I think of that and get more mad. Sometimes I go where no one could possibly see me and kick a dumpster or telephone pole lightly IN ANGER! I go through this for varying lengths of time until I go out and have fun with people and talk to my friends and they say I'm not a bad friend except for the annoying habit of thinking that people are mad at me all the time and I'm totally fine for a week or so. Then it begins again.
No one is spared though- You don't have to be my friend or even an imaginary man who tells me all my faults (as much as you may like to be)- if you look at me weird on the bus you can be sure there's a fantasy fight going on. There doesn't even have to be another human anywhere near me, and it's on. I will head towards the bus, make up a reason in my head for why the the bus driver might potentially ever want to give me slack, and have a fake fight. He's gonna tell me to use less pennies because it fills the machine. I'm gonna say IT'S U.S. CURRENCY, MAN, GET OVER IT! Then he's gonna kick me off the bus and I'm gonna call the transit authority and report him (I fantasy report bus drivers like 4 times a day). Then I actually get to the bus- we're in reality now, people- no such altercation occurs, and I go about my day. In fact- no such altercation EVER OCCURS! Why do I do this? God forbid I should LEARN. No matter how many times I say to myself that these arguments have NO basis in reality, no matter how many times I walk home from work yelling WHY? WHY DO I DO THIS? STOP! STOP DOING THIS!- I can't stop. It's a reflex, second nature. They go on before I consciously process that it's happening. It's like my mind splits and I'll be thinking of what kind of milk to buy with one side and arguing with the grocery clerk over a sale price discrepancy (I don't even care about sales!!!ahgggghhhhhhhh!) with the other. Never fails. I do this ALL DAY. I'm not exaggerating. I should make a tally. Ok, I'm gonna. Be right back!
Ok I'm back. Here's what I've done for the last 5 hours besides listen to a man with schizophrenia tell trick or treat jokes one after the other for literally an hour:
FANNNTASSSYYYYY FIGGHHHHHTTSSSS
My boss wrote an email and sent it to ?multiple people? wrongingly claiming he left me a message re: covering a shift. Well, he's a blame placer. He didn't call me and used my name in a pointless email so the blame would be off him when someone had to stay to cover the next shift. This=about a 2 hour fake fight
I wanted to leave work early, had to fake fight an overreacting coworker. He didn't give a fuck when it came down to it. ~15 min wasted
I texted my friend to see what he was doing tonight. I didn't want to go where he was, but wanted to see where he was for pointless reasons. I made up a reason why I couldn't go there but wanted to know where there was and we fantasy conversed about it. When it really happened he didn't even ask me to come there, and none of it mattered IN THE SLIGHTEST!- 10 min wasted
I said something weird to a new coworker then went over what she could be saying behind my back in my head. MAN SHE'S WEIRD! Is what I had to think of them all saying all night. I work with people with schizophrenia for god's sake! In locked facilities! Why would my coworkers care if I was weird? Why would I care if they cared? Some of them wear KHAKIS. One was listening to I'm pretty sure String Cheese Incident or Widespread Panic the whole shift. N-E-WAY... I WONDERED: should I clarify what I meant when I said the weird thing to her? I did and she didn't give any fucks. Probably 20 min off and on wasted
I had a fuckt encounter with random girl a couple weeks ago who turned out to be a supervisor at my new job. I didn't recognize her when I went to the first day of work at this particular place (I work at several locations). She admitted knowing who I was but claimed she did not know where from. I thought she was mistaken in knowing me, even though no one looks like me ever, no chance, but now know the truth AND know she knew all along where we knew each other from but played dumb! I've been wondering if I should confront her on knowing but pretending not to. This one is takin over my life. I am haunted by how weirdly I acted including ripping an Andre champagne bottle out of her hand and showing her how to open it cuz she was trying to open it delicately and daintily. And singing GET OVER IT, GET OVER IT ala DON HENLEY when she would not get over something. GAD! Not to mention my friend admitted he "whispered fucked up things in her ear all night". She left horrified. I decided to just never work shifts that she is scheduled! HA! This one, combined, maybe 5 hours over a week period spent fake encountering the issue
Bus drivers= at least 20 minutes a day
Non-Mentally-Ill-Cardboarders under 50 (people usually dressed and fed better than me whose jobs are to hold a dumb signs asking for money)= 20 minutes a day
That's just off the top of my head based on the last maybe 5 hours.
I once TOTALLY MADE UP SOME STUPID SHIT that I think illustrates this. I found a glass-like-I-dunno-casserole-dish in a free pile. I'd say it's 5'' by 9'' or so- pretty small. While carrying it down the street I had a fantasy fight with my boyfriend wherein he told me to stop picking up junk I don't need (never has, never would) and lamented that the item was pointless and too small (nope) In this fight I then told him that FINE! whenever I cooked anything in this dish, he couldn't have any. Then in this MADE UP STUPID FANTASY I cooked a really good tuna casserole (never have, never would) and he tried to eat some and boy did I ever Chicken "Of the Sea" Little him and tell him he couldn't have any. The next day I was trying to explain the fantasy fight thing to him (ok, this is really happening now) and he was appalled for good reason. He was doubly insulted that I would ever think he would care about the usefulness or size of a casserole dish, AND that I would fake fight with him in my head for a half hour. He rightly said that there was no way that it was good for our relationship to do this. I tried to explain that I don't really have control over it, that I know he wouldn't give one about a casserole dish, that I fake fight with EVERYONE even people that don't exist, AND that I would let him have some casserole even if he did make fun of my trash dish. He didn't really care, he thought I was a freak, and now no one who read this will ever want to hang out with me EVER! SO IT BEGINS!!!
HELP ME! THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!
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