COOL HAND!

Whaddidi jus claw my way out of the grave? Nope, just the uschj

GREAT!

It's really great when you wake up in a strange house after puking wine into a ziplock bag and try to find evidence of who you slept with. I vaguely remember this hazy blob saying he had to work this morning so I think it's ok to gumshoe around for the facts. For one, the "headboard" of this bed is made of gold cardboard and I'm in a basement with baby spiders crawling allover me. It's really disenchanting the clothes I see hanging from a waterpipe, but maybe these diaries will prove more promising!

Old spice cologne, a bunch of children's instruments, SUNDOWN brand aloe with instructiones only in espanol! UH OH! no way a latino would wear a nylon knit fat texan granny sweater though. A box stuffed FULL of WALGREENS receipts for miller light and mixed nuts. HUNDREDS of receipts! All this but nothing incriminating! No dildos in the underwear drawer, no naked pics or any pics at all to lead me into the light!

Theres what sounds to be a male frolicking around upstairs sounding like he's in a tampon commercial so I think I'll hide down here for a while. Maybe I'll read this BROCHURE

CANADA

I went to Canada! It is a lot like the US as everyone can imagine, but there are a few interesting things that happen there that probably don't in the US:

1. People wear like 5 coats even inside a bar, which was quite warm. (to look more Canadian)

2. They've got one and two dollar coins called loonies and toonies and there's weird red maple leaves everywhere!

3. Even though my friend was kind enough to say I was his girlfriend AND I was dressed like baggy sweatsuit Cindy Lauper, a little tiny-fingers Arab still touched his lips to my friends ear to ask him if I was really his girlfriend or if he was pimpin me.

4. THIS happens at the beer store:


STRANGE BREW!

5. This happens to dogs there:



Also, my friend got mad at me because I was beating him at pool so he told the Arab he could have me for $100, to which the cocktail weenie hand man replied, "How bout 40?" Canadian money BETTER BE WORTH A LOT MORE!

But once I saw this scene I realised Canada is pretty much the same as America:

Presented without comment: mother and child

No, I do have to comment! The dog has glasses, shoes, 2 pacifiers, a mask, khakis, and a coat to match mom's!!! Another time someone saw her carrying that thing in a baby carrier!

Just a still from my fav show

Abandoned Sex Flags

THINGS I LOVE! eeeeeeeeeeeeee

Before this BLOG got erased it was rapidly turning into a THINGS I HATE blog. But now since I have so much love in my soul I'm gonna try and do a coupla posts just here n there WILLY NILLY bout things I love. Of course there are so much more things i HATE so don't get too excited if you are a hippie and love incense, cats, kitties, world peace, etc... Also, I love none of those things. As you can see my sights are set a lil lower. For one I hate the superbowl. Two teams PITTEN against another for glory, throwin the ol pigskin around with the boys. NUH UH!

crrrararrararrazrztzyzyyzyzy sox! I might just make this a MY BF'S SOCKS OF THE DAY BLOG! and I guess now that's it for things i love because it won't let me upload the "running over things with things with wheels" example photo of Stevie rolling over potatoes with a tiny shopping cart. Too bad! Wait! I have another example of the running over stuff thing to prove I do love some things!

 This is us blowing up a bagged bologna sandwich with a bike pump so we could run over it in the car while blasting BOSTON and it would make a really satisfying bologna popping noise! That's trailer park life! Also I used to make everyone play a "game" with me where everyone'd take a paper bag, fill it full of weird stuff like cat poop, mayo, and sriracha sauce, then we'd all run over and over it with our bikes til someone could guess what's in the bag. Ahhhhh, unemployment.

commercial dream

I have commercial dreams like every night! Maybe its because I don't really watch tv (cept roseanne) and I'm just trying to imagine what it's like much like as if I am like a poor kid on christmas as if. Here's one! Scroll down real slow and pretend it's like when the tv uhhhh changes like the uhhhh.... ya know?

This is what I do

Though they were all aged 4-6 and situated fully three miles from my sight range, I could tell what  the trouble makers were up to. I could feel the vibrations of their boredom mixing with their dirty diapers causing a witches brew of TROUBLE! I can feel BRATZ from across town! Just yesterday one of em called me up on the phone and breathed quite heavily. It was slightly sexual sounding indicating BITCHINESS! oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh i git SO ANGRY! I don't have time for childish child-games or child playthings. I got tripped at the doctor yesterday by one of those wire roller coasters with the little wooden blocks on them. It popped out from behind the door and entangled itself on my delicate foot! Could the culprit-child who placd it there not properly SEE that I was already in pain and required no further injury in order for this particular doctor's visit to be warranted!?!?!? Maybe that's why the brat was in the doctor's office anyway: POOR VISION! Sure I'm 25 and still going to the pediatrician because he feels sorry for me! Sure, I was a kid once too! I know how it feels to want to be a prankster, to fit in with the other chuckie-like hoods, I also now know how it feels to want to KILL A CHILD AND CUT OFF THEIR LITTLE FLACCID DICKS BUT I DON'T DO IT! Bratz of the world: Take heed! There's someone comin' for ya- or at least there's someone at home, sometimes doing a crossword puzzle and complaining ALOT and sometimes tearing out children's clothing ads and drawing nipples on them with a red marker and circling their crotches! And getting DRUNK!

Lets see... where was I? OH YEAH!

SOMEONE erased all my old websites cuz they were obviously jealous of my level-headed musings on the human condish and mature portents of the future! So here, I have created almost an exact replica of one of them, but without YEARS of work on it! And I do mean work! Half the shit I wrote on here I was writing while at work. Yes, that's right, I didn't do the work required of the job cuz I was working so HARD writing about real dolls, drunk bus people, fat children, and pedestrian boot cut big butt John Stewart lovin matching sock wearers! FUCK!