This Is My Life

People dont care! Things people don't care about:

If your little brother pronounced something in a silly way when he was a baby

If you had a weeeiiirrrdddd dream

If the wound woulda been any closer to your lung, you woulda died

About your dog

About your cat

About your new diet

About your kooky accidental text

About ANY Sports

And for the instagrammers:

Please please please and you have to FEEL me on this one. Nobody cares what your baby did. No one cares if it can walk, talk, have a tooth, rode your dog, has the cutest halloween costume. I can do all of those things and I'm not a flesh burrito. I can ride your dog.

I don't want to see pictures of your baby. I don't want to see pictures of your dog or cat. DO YOU KNOW? NO ONE CARES! Don't you see it? No one thinks your dog is making a smug face. Only you see that. You see that gross thing everyday! Don't make me see it. You see an amazingly captured glimpse of your dog making a HILARIOUS face. Everyone else just sees a black blurry dog in a tacky bandana. STOP! it's BORING!

Now on to babies. Same as dogs 'cept some dogs look different from other dogs. Babies all look the exact same: vile. I don't wanna see your baby in person. See how I've been avoiding you since you had it? So what makes you think I want to see a photo of it? It makes me literally want to vomit.

Your meal is also not an acceptable photo subject. Why do I want to look at what you're about to eat when I have 33¢ in my bank account and am eating stale doritos out of a bag? Are you going to make me that food? If so, I'll care.

A picture of yourself is fine. So is 1,000 words. About yourself. If I know you. If I ask for them. If I CARE! If I don't know you, no picture of you will be necessary. If I do, one will suffice. I don't need to see YOU with friend YOU with a jaunty hat YOU with different friend this time YOU sitting on a ceramic lawn goose YOU with an outfit you find particularly stylish. See where I'm goin' with this? Notice how I didn't say I don't want to see YOU passed out in a gutter with a daiquiri and sharpie penises drawn on your face. Commence, Meredith. Nor did I say I don't want to see a photo of your Peter Gabriel shaved hairdo. Commence, Stee.

Nor, if I don't know you, do I want to hear about yourself, or, once again, ya baby. Did I ask how old your baby is? I realise you made it yourself. HOWEVER you didn't do any work, and you didn't do it on purpose. I made a really long shit not 15 minutes ago. Is anyone going to be proud of me? Maybe my mom can babysit it and I can put cute tiny nikes on it!