This Is My Life

So I'm on the free section of craigslist like every 15 minutes. Having just moved into an apartment I'm trying to find a table, chairs, couch, etc. Sometimes there's good stuff- sometimes not. Sometimes people realise all of the sudden that they're in Oregon and SHOULD NOT THROW ANYTHING AWAY EVER. On those days a good 99% of the posts are for free wood chips, free river rock, FREE DIRT. Really? Free dirt? Are people falling for this?
Hmm no sofas...oh wait, honey, come check this out. There's a big dump load of sifted DIRT a few blocks away! I'll fire up the subaru!
They come home with dirt because they get the craigslist psychosis. I know- it's happened to me. Actually just now I had a mild episode. I considered getting some free brine shrimp.
Hmmmm no dining tables, oooh brine shrimp! CUUUUUTEEE!
I even clicked on it.
Maybe it'll tell me what they eat. I have that big glass bowl I could...
Then something clicks.
Waaaaiiiiitttt BRINE SHRIMP!?!??!
I almost fell for it. I guess the slimmer the pickin's the more desperate we become.
Maybe I could find a table in the barter section. The owner could be a brine shrimp enthusiast. Ya never know. I'm gettin' desperate for trash. 'Fore I know it- I got the psychosis.
This phenomenon has got to be conneceted to the other disorder I develop that I call "free shit mania".
Say I'm riding my bike down the road and I find two alright free piles in a row and get some good stuff I've been needing. Then I get on this high and go get (steal) my boyfriend's car and start driving around looking for free stuff, and that's ok...for now. But if I find one more GOOD free thing, something in me snaps. The lines get blurred. I start seeing things on people's porches and thinking I can have them. I see a nice Saab and start drooling. Wonder if I could.... Nah. But it's by the CURB!
I see a tiny little man and think I can throw him in the trunk. I'M NOT LYING! One time I thought I could HAVE a HUMAN! He was by the curb! That's fair game! It's the mania.

Hmm should I? Could I? WHOA HOLD THE PHONE! BRINE SHRIMP!