Things said to me today

"I think Christmas would be a good time to show you my human hides"

"We're gonna have to get that Pampers back."

"My boners are priceless."

"Hi! Do you smoke"

"Nope"

"Hmmm, are you very old?"

"Will someone PLEASE mark that down as an episode of incontinence?"

"Hello, Ma'am. Do you think this is Earth?"

"Just do what he says, hon, this is his house. Give him the soda. He wants the soda and he's willing to kill for it" (dude talking in third person)

"Dear god, please give Mezzmer Ralphie Malphie a lot of money, US money. He has only seen two or three fifties and one 100 one time. Amen"

(Praying to this:)

" You promised you would jerkkkkk and twiiiisssttt the nail, rending deep into the flesh. You PROMISED." 

(Sure didn't! Think I'd remember that one)