HOW NOT TO DRIVE

A comprehensive guide for old people and teens and people from new jersey

Here's some scenarios that will inevitably happen to you if you are an new jerseyan, teen, or old person. Or if you're just a boring white person. Let's say there's this driver- just drivin' around. Hell, let's say it's me. 

If I am in the middo lane and have my blinker on for the left lane, and you are behind me: wait your turn. Don't try to swoop over with your shitty Prius just because you have the opening first. I'm waiting, and I'm faster. Your Prius is guaranteed gonna go slow and I'll tell you why: because you're scared of life. Get your shitty, lime green, plastic shit mobile with the "my windows aren't dirty, they're my dog's nose prints" bumper sticker the fuck back and be scared behind me. How the fuck is a dog's nose print NOT DIRTY? Whatever, I can't with that bumper sticker, or with you.

All you wheel-whackers with your chest 1 centimeter from the steering wheel also stay behind me and remain scared. You better be doing something nasty with your hand jammed way under there because I could respect that, but if you're just sitting that close to the wheel because you're a scared white person with a stick up your ass, I have no patience for you.

There are many reasons to drive under the speed limit, and being from new jersey is not one of them. Hold one of your dashboard stuffed Hello Kitty animals if you're scared and press on. 

Which brings me to DUH DUH DIH DUH DUH NEWSFLASH OREGON DUH DUH DUH 

THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING!! ONLY!! That's it. It's not for driving. It's not a "slow as fuck" lane. It's not a phone lane or a jack off lane or a look at pics of kitties on Facebook lane. It's a passing lane. Pass a person and get out of the fucking lane.

Since I just passed you because you're slow as mentally retarded molasses did you notice my car's sweet lil sexy ass? It's so cute, black, sleek 'n' sexy. I know it's tempting, but stay the fuck away from it. I know you want to be close to my hot black ass but if your plastic, burnt sienna rapist cube touches my car, it's going to ruin your day because I will EASILY kick holes in your cheap plastic American car-cube.

Also, GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE! No one wants to read your Facebook update status "drivin!" Tee hee! No one cares about you. Stop TWEETING on the way to Taco Bell "4th meal, bra" Is the road so boring and unsocial that you can't concentrate on real life for the 5 minutes it takes you get to the McPaddy's and have a shot of Jack Daniels? Pick your cargo-short ball out of your ass and pay attention to the road. You can tweet "pullin the cargo-shorts ball outta my ass, YOLO" after you order your Jagerbomb. 

P.S. Why are white people so stupid that they drink Jack Daniels and Jagermeister, two over-priced, not good liquors? Is it that they actually think hot girls with Mardi gras beads in their orange cleavage and a guy with a pirate outfit will party with them if they drink it! Even though they only awkwardly stalk women with huge foreheads, no chins, and saggy gross droopers in a tit sling on Facebook and have not hung out with a hot girl or pirate ever? And Tevin's SWEET leprechaun outfit consisting of a tiny green vest and huge puffy Jamiroquai hat on St. Fatty's day doesn't count as a LIQUOR PARTY MASCOT

If I make a turn into your lane, it's because a) I have judged your speed and assume it will remain constant b) I know I can accelerate fast enough so you don't have to slow down c) I assume you're a rational person. So stop speeding up to like 70 mph to make me think you were inconvenienced by me turning onto a street. Everyone can hear your engine getting 150% louder and can SEE that you're speeding up because you're a passive aggressive ALPHA DAWG who wants to show your dick has been in somethin' before. I know what it's been in ( see above Facebook stalked girl description) and I'm not impressed. Nor am I impressed by your nasty Geo Priapism or your sick plastic hubcaps and dice testes on the rearview mirror. 

I'm onto you.

A) I know you're listening to Kid Rock in there. 

B) I know you woke up to your uncle jacking off on your naked ass you have issues and secretly fear you might technically be gay because of it

C) I know you shave your chest hair and yes, you still look fat. And your dick is still tiny. And wormy. And wiggly. 

D) I know you roofied and date raped that goth tween while her kid was screaming in the other room. I know that you put KORN on to get you in the mood.

I'm onto you. 

Oh god, I know I am forgetting so many shitty driver scenarios but I am getting annoyed just thinking about these wastes of skin even though I am in a mental facility listening to a blank-expression person rant about his baboon army and how it's going to destroy my Belgian boyscouts at the third toll of the bell for 1 1/2 hours. It takes a lot to annoy me if you're mentally ill, and virtually NOTHING  at all to cause me to hate you if you're sane.