Beer beer cheese

FUCK! these are real live screen shots of the first things I saw when I looked at my phone on three separate mornings WEEKS apart! Really usin the technology to its fullest potential here!

Wai wai lemme esssplain!

Yes, I googled "penis eye doctor" i won't bother telling you why cuz I want you to assume I have a BIG PROB.
More importantly, once I found the thing I was looking for, this pop-up ad burst onto the scene, claiming to be able to find me a deal on PENIS EYE DOCTOR. It couldn't. If anyone knows where I can get a deal- lemme know

Almost fell for it!

This is the site I got to when I typed the wrong address for the library. Have you seen these things? Of course you have. Are these fake-out sites trying to trick you into stayin around and hanging out on their site? What joy could someone possibly get from this? Is it a trick for old people who don't know how to use a computer? Are the old people to beleive, when stumbling upon this web page, that these are the only books at the Ypsilanti library (pretty close, actually). I didn't click on any of these things despite rabid curiosity ( Amanda Hocking!?!!??) so I don't think they're trying to sellyou anything, but even if they were- it'd take a lot of misguided clicking and credit card number entering to get there. I'm just confused and I REALLY want to know. Also viruses...what's the point? Some 90s Angelina Jolies are sitting in a dark room listening to Moby's tough stuff getting off JUST IMAGINING how many poor suckers' computers are running kinda slow sometimes?

Bin dunalotta thankin

"Ideas" in my Idea Notebook that completely elude my memory or comprehension (from the past month even)

---Construct worker with hard hat full of salad "you could eat something FRESHHHHHH!"
---EXCUSES
my dog has...fallen
My caterpillar is emerging from its cocoon
Im covered in period blood
---And now my foot is like a painful claw huhhhh
I like the cane
Thanks, goes good with my disease
---Hyosiyfehsoarsifoydc? Call maury
---I traded my body for a can of soda
I had sex on a rock
Sex for a double cheeseburger
Youre not really proud about having sex for a double cheeseburger?
Double cheeseburger. Taste good!
---Did you ever wake in the night to the sound of street cats making love?
YEAH, this guy took acid so...

scrollin down the last texts I've gotten and sent really describes how awesome I am, in my opinion, personally, myself.

Tarot reading on hp lovecraft's grave muthafucka

he's gonna accidentally pierce it with a "safety" pin and keep it in there to be more goth

I want them to go in the camelot pool together and splash each and just horse around like larry and balki

A girl on tv just said: "I'm feeling shelter shocked"

Nevermind. I figured it out. Somebody just started a drum circle outside.

if bela Lugosi wasn't dead before, he is now

well I'm watching toddlers in tiaras sooo....

Mom owns 200 cars. no lie. could prolly use one or if nice boat and jetskis. ha they have 4! juju ? yeah she coo she calm she come.

This is perfect cuz I live inside a Taco Bell.

he swiftly padded acrosst the ashen thresshold, one red eye glazing in the moonlight

because he was fucking born white!

THIS IS MY LIFE FOR REAL!

I just accidentally clicked on this tab here on my bloggy called STATS which tells you weird things about your blog like how many people go to it in a day (1:myself) and what words you could put into google that would transfer you to my blog I guess? Here they are:

WHAT?!?! WHAT!?!? pretty sure NONE of these things are featured here (goths are of course) but I must say that I am honored to be the site one would be directed to if that person googles WIFE USING MALE FLAT BACK TORSO DOLL. Really. I am a 28 year old woman. I am a WOMAN. I am not a child, pervert, teen, PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT BOOT CRTUCHES ARE EVEN! I am a grown adult. God help me. Please. this is a cry for help. Give me intervention or give me noose.

ALSO: why is goth written smaller than all the other things when this is pretty much a site purely about goths? CAST CRUTCHES SITE goths

Best Contact Names

I surveyed all my friends to ask what their best phone contacts were named. Here's the cream on carrot top:
CARRIEET TOP
anna the hot lesbian
big dick romeo
pinky the whip
your baby can read
tony danza
craaaaaaaack
queen aisha
abmanda wants magic
i hope youre ok
clinton pickens
brisilda
vince money
chowzer
hollis holl holl hollerin atcha
quark brain
stare master
wiffuh coopa
sugar sammy
guitar tech stew simon
chong
doc u. ment
shooka
nasty
tuner
skinn finn
STRANGER DANGER
potato nap
sweet tooth
carl o'smokes
NOOOOOO
clown town
bradhole
NEW ORLEANS HATES YOU
juju snooza aka jizzy
coop stain
craig s. list
chris the piss
emmanuel thankyou
Luv Laser
Sasqueesha
Old Man Glitter
Two-can Suzanne
LINOLEUM PANCACKE

These are the texts my mom is paying for my phone for me to receive:

Macgregors machregors shithuggers. I just got up. Puked. Gonna eat my finger clean off. No car today.

Bastard left boner marks all over my bathroom

Do I need to go vegan? I look like Polly McPuffington.

I have to go drive a stripper to the gas station by her house for some pot roast.

Bunny hop wheel machine is riding around depot town in an old school bright gold motorcycle helmet + sunglasses on his low-rider. Serious next level shit!

THANKS MOM!

Texts I get when I'm in important meetings with like psychiatrists and social workers n shit when I'm not supposed to put my phone on silent in case I get an important call longest title ever:

"Scree, scree !", cries the Eagle.

Scree !

FREEDOM SCREE

FREEDOM SCREE

This is the sound of my soul

Boner + Chad

Teriyaki Jerry Garcia

You still got Tony Danza's number?

I have so much money ! Because I don't drink or smoke ! Freedom scree !

My dog had a purdy mouth!

I'm gonna cruch your iphone with my glider!

Things I find on my phone notes that I dont remember writing from the night before (which happens like every morn sadly...) PART ONE

metal song

what do i do?
my face is covered in glue
neeer na na neeerrr
-----------------------------

if i didnt just yell at them, i woulda yelled at them

the quota has been filled
----------------------------

electric stop driving arm slamming into car over and over
----------------------------

who pays to keep the lights on in daddys dungeon
----------------------------

my mindis so relaxed rght now pleasr do not distrub it.p

look what i can do on my phone! ART at its finest!