I want y'all to understand my job. I mean really understand what it's like to work with people with severe mental illness. So you can betta appreciate me. I know I'm not spoza, but here is a sneak peak of someone's psych assessment. Just see if you could handle this complicated shit:

Client: P_____ S________

Psychiatric Assessment

Axis I- 265.4 Schizophrenia, undifferentiated type

295.3 Anxiety Disorder NOS

Axis II- deferred

Axis III- 422.3 Decaf Coffee with 3 ice cubes, 4 sugar packets (yellow), 3 creamers, 2 stir sticks, tan cup only, packet of cocoa

Axis IV- 542.4 Capri Light 100s, 2 on patio per shift, supervised

Axis V- GAF 69

This patient exhibits a need for CIGARETTES AND COFFEE AND THE ABILITY TO CALL THE GOVERNOR AND THREATEN TO KILL HIM ONCE PER SHIFT

Haha jus kiddin! Didja think I was gonna be serioso? I light cigarettes and pour coffee ALL DAY. YOU COULD DO IT ANYONE COULD A DOG OR SMART CAT COULD DO IT A DEAD CORPSE COULD BE ELECTROCUTED SO HIS HAND SHOT UP AND IT COULD ALSO AT THAT TIME LIGHT A CIGARETTE FROMTHE BURNING FINGER OR EVEN WARM UP COFFEE WITH IT AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (just kidding I love it)

Scenes from a mental hospital

Sorry I haven't posted anything interesting in a while. I'm of 
course talking to my two admitted readers: Jessy and Logan.
And whoever  else may be, thanks for reading this trash.

Like, do you know the impercussions of that, man?

Are you the one who told me pregnancy is in the butt of a cigarette? It is.

Can I have a cup of HOT coffee for my bondage? Great i'll really enjoy my BONDAGE now!

Oh by the way, would you like to rot in heaven?

Why don't you go play vampire king and leave us alone?

Scenes from the mental hosp

Clinical Rounds

When I was a manager of a program for adults with scchizophrenia, I had meetings with their caseworker to discuss what had happened recently. This was a list of recent goings on that needed bringing up at one of these meetings:

GK chipped his tooth on a pork rind
DG has "credit" at the BP station
MS said an invisible ghost buttfucked him in the night
TK has a strange undetectable blood disease that no doctor could possibly comprehend. Triglycerides are at fault i think


So you see my job was highly important. Stick this right on my résumé, boys!
Yes, I have boys who do my résumé.
Yes, my phone just changed resume to that fancy ass one with the short lines over the Es.
YES!

The answer's probably gonna be yes. YES A PORK RIND!

We eat rice together, then?

IMPORTANT NOTE

maybe she's hurt cuz she's singed

Getting two birds stoned at once.

Me: "You've been asking for haldol a lot lately. You know what it is for right?"
Guy: "this hurts" (points to you know what) "it's hard. The pee usually comes out soft"
Me: "k, this is not for pain, or pee. It's a psych med. It helps with symptoms of schizophrenia. Do you think you might need it?"
Guy: "well... I took a dose of my cousin cindy, who had a roadkill order..."
Me: (dispense)

ANYWAY...
I was watching tv when this popped up on screen:

Yeahhh... Can't really see it. It says: ATTENTION CATHETER USERS
STOP USING DIRTY CATHETERS.

Maybe I haven't watched tv in too long, or this is a weird Missouri thing...and I might be pretty ignorant on this one but- IS THIS AN ISSUE??
It's no longer necessary to shove an old pee encrusted peice of plastic into your urethra. good news. TGIF!

JUST A HEADS UP. Thought I'd spread the good word.

Check thiiiiiiiisssss out

Shopping Again!

LOGIC

Schiz: Today is Columbus Day dere and uhhhh he's a founding father of uhh America dere, yeah.
Me: Yeah? I'm not sure he's quite a founding father...
Schiz: Oh yeah, uhhh well he uhhh found it, so uhhhhh
Me: YEAH! He must be a founding father. He found the damn thing!
Schiz: Yeah right, the uhh ships and he got here so.... The CSTS is closed today.

SHOPPING LIST

THE BEST

I...am...very...despacable! Join me, Gru, as I become father figure to three girl scouts and compete with my rival to become the supreme supervillian! I am not a very nice man as I try to steal the moon!

Watch Despicible Me, opening theatres nationwide July 7, as I will face my minions to fight to Hanson and Celine Dion! Ooh I am such a bad man I scare myself!

It's the Susan g. Komen Race for the Cure! I'm walking to raise breast cancer awareness in the hot sun because of the inappropriate and mean comments some people have made about my character's cleavage!
besides, I love big, round flesh balls full of milk!

I'm making breast cancer my bitch and I fight like a girl! real men wear pink! I keep going and going and going!

A conversation with this guy (yes those are bent spoons on his wrists)

me: WG, whats your favourite band?

wg: Ummm...Bones...Bones? Bones! (makes drumming hand motions)

me: Bone Thugs n Harmony?

wg: uhhhhhhhh (confused look, slower drumming motions)

me: its da first of da monnnnnth

wg: OHHHH! yeah... yeahh (confused look, still drumming) somethin like that...(trails off



UPDATE: another convo with this guy:


WG: (from across the parking lot) Hey girl! HEY! We outta bread!

me: I DONT CARE!

boss: maybe he means bread like... (money finger rub)

me: what kinda bread?

wg: Uhhhh...like...(indicates with hands about the size of a human baby) uhhh... MEDIUM? (looks at hands as if he doesnt even understand what he's doing cuz I sure as H E double hockey sticks dont) uhhhhh.... yeahhh medium (trails off)

GOOD ONES

Here are some drawings by a guy with schizophrenia that I work with:
The fifth one down is apparently John Travolta who this fellow says "has always been a heart throb" The last one says "tom cruisers is now the emporer jabba twinkle butt"

Some things I find INSIDE my work

Which is in the apartments of people with schizophrenia, by the way