look what i can do on my phone! ART at its finest!

just some things i found in the apartment complex parkin lot where i work

tales from russssssssia

First I had two room mates, Mischa was weird- he had a lil mullet, a gold chain, and a Dolce & Gabbana women's tee w/ a hood on it. He cruised Nevsky Prospekt for girls to stare at while puffing out his chest like a gypsy pigeon and pretending to wait for someone at the metro while suckin’ on a hot dog and staring at a cheap Avril Lavigne knock-off. I thought he was weird, but really was nothing compared to the other one, Anton.

The other one shaves his head 3 times a day and wears a men's bikini. He drinks a mixture of vodka and absinthe in a huge 7-11 size mug and chases it with an equal amount of EXTREME ENERGY DRINK right before he goes out clubbing in a leather men’s work type shirt and flowered vest, and right AFTER he straps huge water jugs on his ankles and does pull ups on a coat rack, still in bikini. All this after he works all day as a quality control inspector at a cigarette factory.

But now while i am out of town for the day a new one moves in. We don't know where he came from. Anton (head shaver) calls Yoora (normal one, not mentioned here) and asks if he can just move out today, just like that, so that Lonya, a guy Anton met at the bus station today, can move in. Yoora says no. I understand why I think. so Lonya sleeps in anton's room and they are always in the bathroom together, one showering, the other shaving his head? I dunno. Either that or they are walking around in their bikins yapping really fast in Russian though they know i don't know what they're saying. They could be saying "You are ugly but we will still rape you tonight without removing our speedos." I have no idea.

Yoora said he walked by their OPEN DOOR one day and the new guy was buck nake doin squats. I peek'd in their room one day and saw a 50 gallon fish tank with like 5 inches of water, one struggling fish and like 2842894y24 mosquitos breeding in it. That and 2 horrifying plague mask lookin’ mardi gras masks and 2 dog collars. One was all masculine and the other was smaller with a pink cameo charm hanging off it. And that's it. Nothin else, besides about 193718937198 rubles, which, don’t ask me why, I didn’t steal.

It's like that time Tiffany, Dustin, Mike Boyd, Pat and I broke into Prince Michael's house intending on going go to his "church service" and all there was in the house was 20 turned over chairs in a church like formation (indicating a struggle?), a mattress with no bedding anywhere, like 15 broken computers, 20 bibles, and a fridge full of organic strawberries.

COLUMBIA, MO - remember Prince Michael? Please? He wore a nice grey suit and headphones and paced up and down 9th street handing out glamour shots of himself with his manifesto on the back. Also printed was his church services times and location, hence how we ended up breaking into his house. He repeated over and over what I assume he was listening to on his hedphones: " My mother is the next rightful heir to the British throne. My grandmother rolled in the hay with John F. Kennedy and Napoleon. 1,000 men have witnessed her resurrecction" On his ‘89 Dodge Charger he had those white letter stickers that spelled out "I LOVE MY COUSIN'S WILLIAM AND HARRY"

COOL HAND!

Whaddidi jus claw my way out of the grave? Nope, just the uschj

GREAT!

It's really great when you wake up in a strange house after puking wine into a ziplock bag and try to find evidence of who you slept with. I vaguely remember this hazy blob saying he had to work this morning so I think it's ok to gumshoe around for the facts. For one, the "headboard" of this bed is made of gold cardboard and I'm in a basement with baby spiders crawling allover me. It's really disenchanting the clothes I see hanging from a waterpipe, but maybe these diaries will prove more promising!

Old spice cologne, a bunch of children's instruments, SUNDOWN brand aloe with instructiones only in espanol! UH OH! no way a latino would wear a nylon knit fat texan granny sweater though. A box stuffed FULL of WALGREENS receipts for miller light and mixed nuts. HUNDREDS of receipts! All this but nothing incriminating! No dildos in the underwear drawer, no naked pics or any pics at all to lead me into the light!

Theres what sounds to be a male frolicking around upstairs sounding like he's in a tampon commercial so I think I'll hide down here for a while. Maybe I'll read this BROCHURE

CANADA

I went to Canada! It is a lot like the US as everyone can imagine, but there are a few interesting things that happen there that probably don't in the US:

1. People wear like 5 coats even inside a bar, which was quite warm. (to look more Canadian)

2. They've got one and two dollar coins called loonies and toonies and there's weird red maple leaves everywhere!

3. Even though my friend was kind enough to say I was his girlfriend AND I was dressed like baggy sweatsuit Cindy Lauper, a little tiny-fingers Arab still touched his lips to my friends ear to ask him if I was really his girlfriend or if he was pimpin me.

4. THIS happens at the beer store:


STRANGE BREW!

5. This happens to dogs there:



Also, my friend got mad at me because I was beating him at pool so he told the Arab he could have me for $100, to which the cocktail weenie hand man replied, "How bout 40?" Canadian money BETTER BE WORTH A LOT MORE!

But once I saw this scene I realised Canada is pretty much the same as America:

Presented without comment: mother and child

No, I do have to comment! The dog has glasses, shoes, 2 pacifiers, a mask, khakis, and a coat to match mom's!!! Another time someone saw her carrying that thing in a baby carrier!