Best of My Strange Addiksh

What's more convenient than placing my dryer sheet sandwich in my bosom?

Most people use dryer sheets in the dryer...me on the other hand...

The feeling of a warm wet diaper is really comforting and special to me.

Is she too entrenched in the baby lifestyle?

It sorta tastes like...well...when you're in the shower and you eat the soap..you know?

You want me, you gotta assept my pillow

Stop tryin to compare yourself with my pillow!!

What did my pillow ever do to you? Get up off my pillow's case!

If you're a writer or a musician you have to live FOREVER with what you decided in '81 was the term for genitals.

"I feel it in my SEX" -Peter Gabriel

"you're fuckt"

You're only as young as your vagina is wet

How come when girls play sports boys are like "Ooh you gonna break a nail? Ooohhh poor baby!" Breaking a nail is SERIOUS. I'd like to see you break a dick nail

I'm old

How am I becoming an adult? Let me count the ways:

1. For the first time in quite a while, when sitting on the toilet, I didn't envision a huge sword flying out of the bowl and into my vagina

2. I cat sit at my friends and saw lots of beauty products. I thought "hmmm" I didn't use any but I DID brush my hair for the first time in a couple years (then I literally went in the yard and rubbed dirt in it because it looked too clean)

3. My mom just decided to make me pay my phone bill. I cried because I couldn't figure out how, but I'm gonna pay!!!

🍄🍄Dat bout covers it🍄🍄 I want some drugs. Ummmm does anyone want to take me out to dinner or somethin to congratulate me? I just learned how to use FUCKIN SILVERWARE

Donald Fagen Blues

Why when I am about to leave Portland do I find like this perfect bar that is playing Steely Dan records and is filled with taxidermy and is the perfect temperature and doesn't have picture of pussies drawn all over the bathroom that say "eat me out, I'm organic" and then someone else wrote "and gluten free" and then someone else wrote "mine's vegan too"?????????!!!!?????

Give me a person's name and I will reveal to you 5 facts about them based solely on their name. I'm a psychic name expert. Come on!