Getting two birds stoned at once.

Me: "You've been asking for haldol a lot lately. You know what it is for right?"
Guy: "this hurts" (points to you know what) "it's hard. The pee usually comes out soft"
Me: "k, this is not for pain, or pee. It's a psych med. It helps with symptoms of schizophrenia. Do you think you might need it?"
Guy: "well... I took a dose of my cousin cindy, who had a roadkill order..."
Me: (dispense)

ANYWAY...
I was watching tv when this popped up on screen:

Yeahhh... Can't really see it. It says: ATTENTION CATHETER USERS
STOP USING DIRTY CATHETERS.

Maybe I haven't watched tv in too long, or this is a weird Missouri thing...and I might be pretty ignorant on this one but- IS THIS AN ISSUE??
It's no longer necessary to shove an old pee encrusted peice of plastic into your urethra. good news. TGIF!

JUST A HEADS UP. Thought I'd spread the good word.

Snatchin bodees

FYI nickleback SUCKS!
You just...?
No! Ive been sittin stewin about this for days. Welll... That one guy, the leader of the band, uhhh, he, he, he has a cool shirt and he BETTER wear it.
Nooooo, he wears it on stage a lot, I swear. He does. It's like silk and...
Yeah. Trailer.
Shut up!
No, I got a star on my eye, it's itch and drivin me CRARARRRRAAZYZYYYYY! I been up since 3am gone crazy!
A star!
Star!
I don't know it's on your eye... and it...it...
Stye?
Eye?
Stye?
Oh.

Well, you only gotta wear one shoe. Either one will do, i suppose

work quotes

People actually said these things to me recently at work. Employees, not mentally ill people:
"She don't got no chicken pops. If shegot chicken pops...well...then I got chicken pops" (pox, i think, was the intention here.)
"he just did a complete 90 degree, he went skid row..."
"you know- its either feast or feemin round here" (famine)
"Out abound people" (out and about)
"I got scrooged over here already." (i'm assuming screwed cuz she was talking about her car not working)
"She's on drugs. I know. She got the baby neck!"
"they keep tryingto make me a excape goat" (maybe you're an escaped goat!)
"i watched this show where this midget... I mean little person...married a human"
AND THE BEST
"i aint goin out there, it's tetris out there!" (treacherous ahahhahahhahah HA HAHAHHAHA)

GODDESS BUNNYY

 

Ol chatter mouth is at it again! His hands are clenched and his dick is erect. He got full whole big gaps tween each tooth and even tho he's 82, gotta be held back by two men with swords. All em got lil boots spurs and lil curly witch toes and they're tryin to keep chatta face from wreckin it all!

"Come inside my coat", chadda coos to the little kiddies at play.

He isn't even wearing a coat! Maybe that's why he's chatterin!

"Come into the big gaps inside my mouth and between my teeth and I will make a bed for you out of plaque n shit! I git so riled up when I see all the kiddies playing and having FUN!" he calls to no one in partic.

Spurs 1 and 2 are still holding his feeble little bone arms back and trying to pull him over to the bench to empty his pee bag which has been dragging in the dirt and overflowing all day. It even smells like pee! All of it! Everywhere we go!

"That's it!," cries Spur 1 (Larry), "I'm a gonna pop it!"

He sticks his lil sword tip into the bag and with a pop the urine rushes out in a putrid river of old man pee filth. The children scurry up and begin lapping at it like russian sobakas.

Three of them then jump inside his coat, one into a gap between his molar and an old rotten infectd wisdom tooth, long forgotten.

"CHCHCHATTER!"

NACHO BROTHERS

STOOD UP (since 1987)

Asterisk Face

I've been hanging out in the goth dating site again. still a 28 year old woman

Two moldy potates just coincidentally happened to be hanging outside the club one night. One fat one was smoking hash out of a corncob pipe and the other was wearing both a demonic shitface and a two-peice tutu. "Listen my good bitch," the big fat one said as he lit one of his eyes on fire "I got this deal I'd like to cut you in on, as long as you won't be too crabby"

"What the fuck, man? I don know you from Biblio and you tryin to cut me in on some deal, man? What the fuck?  I don know you- get on! Wait madda fac- lemme tell you bout this deal I'd like to cut you in on. I'd like to cut up your big body and and then put it in a soup cuz you nothin but a big potato ass head lookin mothafucka! Got some leg warmers on an shit, smokin somethin stankin like ass out yo old man river corn cob pipe! Need to be sittin on a rockin chair on some ol ass porch not tryina pimp yo wares outsiduduh hottest club in LA. Anna notha thing- you just lit yo ol ass head on fire. You so old you aint got no feeling in ya head. Old alteimer ass don't feel onea his eye on flame! SHIT! Ole as methusalem an shit...psshhh."

"Oh, okay, I can see you would probably have been too crabby for this deal anyway, see you later," And the old wiccan potato shaman vanished into thin hair.

STOP PLEASE STOP

What is with people's Things That Make Me Happy Lists?
Kill me if I ever make a list and these things are on it:
-Bamboo utensil sets
-Fluffy cats
-Thick hearty soups
-Knitting baby clothes
-Realistically meat-like Vegan food
-Fiestaware
-Warm buttered popcorn
-Cat naps
-Making a warm fort inside to ignore the thunderstorm
-Being part of a thriving community
-Hand in hand walks on a brisk autumn day
-CRAFTING esp DIY
-A cracklin fire and christmas tunes
-Warming your gloved hands with an early morning caramel latte
Kill me! Kill me so many times kill me! Stop being assholes!! Isnt it easier to say:
Comfort
Shelter
Warmth
Beauty
Isn't it easier? Then you won't look like the Ann Arbor stick someone stuck up your ass broke off, travelled north, and is stabbing you in the brain.
Here's my (maybe sociopathic) list:
-Insect KILLING and pinning
-When people stop asking me repetitive questions FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE
-People with schizophrenia
-Crisp as fuck pickles
-Imagining helmeted ann arbor sidewalk bikers biting the dust SO HARD
-Trailer park boys
-Watching intervention while drinking and doing the very drugs these people are being intervened for
-Not having a reason to shower for a week
-Stepping on a really crunchy leaf
-Bus people
-Being better than almost everyone
-Hating things
Am I a sociopath? Maybe. But I'm a happy one cuz I get all of the things on my gay ass HAPPY LIST every single day if I want. So take your Martha Stewart ass shit outta my face! If I decide to go to the co-op or BED BATH AND INTO THE FUTURE i've asked for it I GUESS. But otherwise, its unwarranted and everyone who knows anything (me) thinks you're a dead pigeon! Let's all set our sights a lil lower for once! Buy the next homeless person you see a carmel latte if you want to help your community thrive! See what they do! Burn your face with it, that's what! FUCK!

Frederick "Michael" Douglas

"ahhh excoos me, mr chairmen" a slinky slimy little fellow calls out, and the hearing begins.

"I think the hearing should begin!"  (Frederick Douglas) says. 

"I thought he just was really tan," said R. Bladderhead of N.Carolina.

"OMG" said a nervous and goat-looking Morrissey fan.

"Please, can we all get settled!", bawled the chairman. "I see so many Mr. Swirley Ice Cream heads that I feel like I'm on lysergic acid!"

"Uh, that hasn't been invented yet, sir," Thomas Jefferson bitches.

Some unseen heckler cried "Drink some more brandy, why don't ya Jefferson, ya old BOOZE HOUND!" 

"I'll just drink this ink until we all get done with our hangovers and start the meeting!" The chairman drank the ink until he died.

"Frderick Douglas then began doing something. "That's what they do, if left unchecked!" Yelled Jefferson.

Slavery was abolished in 1865.

Check thiiiiiiiisssss out

lindsey buckin' ham

majestic

Has something weird and unexplainable ever come out of your butt?
Like a shrimp still in its little sheath, but blackened, even though you're pretty fuckin sure you desheathed AND depooped all the shrimp you've ever eaten in your life AND that in your extreme shrimp connoisseurdom you are pretty fuckin positive a TAR BLACK shrimp never snuck past your sight into your mouth, remained unchewed and swam through your entire digestive system to the bitter end?
No?
You're hired.

Why do wine descriptions have to be so pretentious, unhelpful and bullshit? What exactly is all this about berries, cinnamon, husks, and depth? Will I or will I not wake up in a strange apartment with my pants on inside out? Let's get down to business. Are they gonna tell me anything USEFUL on the back of these bottles? If I'm at a place where there IS a $5 bottle of wine, I'm probably LOOKING for a $5 bottle of wine.
Does ANYONE care or believe this shit about how the vineyard is old and wise, or about how magically the vines are trellised? I saw Fantasia, I know it's just a bunch of sickies stomping on the grapes anyway. I don't recall them even CARING which kind of grapes they were picking. Were they even human? Is anyone assessing this $4.99 bottle of wine for its spice aroma? I am just gonna drink half a bottle and watch Friday the 13th, parts I and II anyway, so why am I wondering who is assessing this stuff?
And about these wine pairings. Can we please get real on this one, too?
-A fine malbec, goes perfectly with the purse of the next person with $8 who needs an excuse to invite some sleaze over after the bar and liquor store have closed.
-This wine is a perfect compliment for a pillow and your face.
I would buy the last one for sure.

"Ideas" in my Idea Notebook that completely elude my memory or comprehension (from the past month even)

---Construct worker with hard hat full of salad "you could eat something FRESHHHHHH!"
---EXCUSES
my dog has...fallen
My caterpillar is emerging from its cocoon
Im covered in period blood
---And now my foot is like a painful claw huhhhh
I like the cane
Thanks, goes good with my disease
---Hyosiyfehsoarsifoydc? Call maury
---I traded my body for a can of soda
I had sex on a rock
Sex for a double cheeseburger
Youre not really proud about having sex for a double cheeseburger?
Double cheeseburger. Taste good!
---Did you ever wake in the night to the sound of street cats making love?
YEAH, this guy took acid so...

Shopping Again!

LOGIC

Schiz: Today is Columbus Day dere and uhhhh he's a founding father of uhh America dere, yeah.
Me: Yeah? I'm not sure he's quite a founding father...
Schiz: Oh yeah, uhhh well he uhhh found it, so uhhhhh
Me: YEAH! He must be a founding father. He found the damn thing!
Schiz: Yeah right, the uhh ships and he got here so.... The CSTS is closed today.

This Broke Bitch

The Absolute Epitome

I just googled LAZINESS CURE even though i know damn well the cure is GETTING OUT OF BED! I am so lazy I am trying to cut corners by finding a website that will tell me I can cure my laziness WHILE STILL REMAINING IN BED.

TRY AND TELL ME IM AN ADULT NOW, JOHN HODER!

SHOPPING LIST

God, I will never be an adult. I try and try. I own a Saab from 1989. I listen to Steely Dan and Supertramp. I'm listening to Donald Fagen right now! I have a note in my phone that says "try to be as Fagen as possible!!" I work 40 hours a week. None of this is working! Too bad my job consists of hanging out with schizophrenics, my car barely works and has a dashboard full of dessicated animals, and I dress like a 15 year old goth. I'm just not cut out to be an adult...where I really shine is watching intervention in my boyfriend's bed drinking champagne. (I am certainly not adult enough to own a refrigerator or even a cup to drink champagne out of at my own hovel) I just want to get drugs and go to renaissance festival and pee my pants cuz I accidentally wore a leotard that i couldnt remove fast enough. I want to talk about dicks and prank people and sing Crowded House songs to my taxidermy fox. I do not want to craft, match, talk, watch sports, or relay or understand feeeeelings. I guess other girls have feelings. Maybe that's why they're called feemales. Not me. cept between the 18th and the 24th of the month where I cry about friendship and shit. Also, I'm okay with my outfit being held together by 8 safety pins and not having a pair of shoes that fit. I'm okay with only drawing meth faces and people with congenital birth defects, laughing at them in my room alone. So why, when I'm out in the "real world" do I have to be so embarrassed about these things? When I go to the Mental Health Services building the caseworkers and psychiatrists invariably think I am mentally ill and look around asking the patient where his caretaker is. They sometimes question it when they point to me, or at least turn red and nervously laugh. When I taught spec ed I'd get asked for my hall pass from all the other teachers and walkie talkie hall assholes. I used to give a prize to the autistic student who could guess the number of safety pins that were holding my outfit together. Some of them must have actually seen me as an adult cuz theyd guess like 1 or 2. HA! more like 10! They were aut-some so they didn't even realise I'm an immature fuck


PS things of note ive done today
Picked up a dead bird and have it in a save a lot bag next to me as I drive around eating goldfish and listening to elvin bishop

Threw a fit cuz my boss was actin like he wasn't gonna let me go to the psych ward to visit a client

A schizophrenic lady told me to stop singing so I ran around her in circles SCREEING out her name over and over

Ok im depressed

YES YES YES YES YES

YES YES YES YES YES

HAPPY BDAY BRUCE, PATRICK AND QUARRY!

My present to you is that we shall be together one day...in 1974

OCCULT

Seeds of the order, satellite daughter
She-goat of the east
Shadow reaper, restless sleeper
Desert pharoah
Golden messenger
Tidings
Waning
Scythe cuts through the land
A land of sand
Desert pharoah comin atcha
A new brand of SIN!
a precious gem enfolds
Encrypted in a layer o' gold
Forthwith the demon chills
From within his whimsy
Praytell mine scared sorcerer
Sacred boughs do twineth at thy baleful entrance
Rats scurry crost marble floors
BY MY TROTH!
twilight
Sabbath
Crest of the phoenix
Malfeasance
READING TO EAHOTHER FROM A JERRY GARCIA BIOGRAPHY
The gothest fairie
Solar Sand witch
Sleepless saplings
Oracle
Omen
Four corners
Shorn
Winding path
Tri-...
....sophy
...mancy

perhaps it was my face
in your window
on it
that you dint like

shoulda checked the sex
offenders list
too bad
so sad

old bitch
gonna gitcha!!
a copy of sky mall

SKY MALL HAS ARRIVED

What's with people being scared of flying? Even long flights are no big whoop to me cuzza SKY MALL. How could you feel anything but pure joy with a baby screaming 6/26 of the alphabet over and over right next to you on one side, a guy chewing all the juices out of a huge fucking sick turd-lookin cigar butt on the other, and a Sky Mall in your hands (and seven Xanax sliding down your esophagus)? I WANT TO BUY EVERYTHING IN IT. ALL. Whether you want to look like a complete douche bag or make your dog look like a complete douche bag, they've got the product for you!
Here are just a few snippets of genius invention of the 21st century:

Why are most of these people trying to be sexy? Put that jizz mask on, then seductively peel it off with pouty face and sexy eyes! Wear this baldness stopping terminator head thing while flexin your...whatever arm muscles are called. I especially like the loungin babe with the leg casts. it's like that's all these models know...they are desperate to keep sexy against the harshest of odds: casts, terminator hats, stupid hats with attached sunglasses, THE SHAME AND ACCOMPANYING INABILITY TO EVER WORK IN THIS COUNTRY AGAIN that comes with having modeled for Sky Mall even! I bet if you're applying for a model job the FIRST question they ask is: Were you ever knowingly, in your right mind, (under threat of international terrorism, coercion by green card, sex slave trafficking, I'm gonna kill your dog then gitcha good kinda guy threats not included) photographed wearing a ridiculous device for the express purpose of becoming a person that will forever be remembered as being a person who was once in SKY MALL? (I don't know why they ask you such wordy legalese questions in modeling interviews, nor whether an actual "green card" still exists or if I just read real old books, by the way) And another thing...no I suppose that's all I got. I believe these photos can speak for themselves, and I just wasted left thumb and right pointer finger strength on this one. Wait one more thing! Bill Murray looks way sexier snoozin on that teal stretch pillow than all those other models combined, so maybe the new alternative is to paparazzi people actually using these things! (which sadly, I have never seen) AAANNNNDD can everyone PLEASE call me "FACE GATOR" from now on?