LOL I'm reposting this cuz I'm so funny I can't stand it

It's really great when you wake up in a strange house after puking wine into a ziplock bag and try to find evidence of who you slept with. I vaguely remember this hazy blob saying he had to work this morning so I think it's okay to gumshoe around for the facts. For one, the "headboard" of this bed is made of gold cardboard and I'm in a basement with baby spiders crawling allover me. It's really disenchanting the clothes I see hanging from a wate rpipe, but maybe these diaries will prove more promising!

Old spice cologne, a bunch of children's instruments, Sundown brand aloe with instructiones only in espanol! UH OH! no way a latino would wear a nylon knit fat texan granny sweater though. A box stuffed FULL of Walgreens receipts for miller light and mixed nuts. HUNDREDS of receipts! All this but nothing incriminating! No dildos in the underwear drawer, no naked pics or any pics at all to lead me into the light!

There's what sounds to be a male frolicking around upstairs sounding like he's in a tampon commercial so I think I'll hide down here for a while. Maybe I'll read this BROCHURE

Email from my mom who is dog sitting for her rich sister

Instruction complete and sister on plane. 

Here is a fraction of what  I have discovered: 

The duck, yams, yogurt and bones in the fridge are for the dog. DON'T eat them! My food is in a small 12 x 12 corner of the bottom shelf and in the crispers. There are NO olives in this house for my salads! 

Feed the dog at 6:00am and 5:00pm. He gets 5 and 1/2 squares of duck each meal. Don't let him wolf it down! 1/2 Yam in between meals. Cut in half, microwave for 5 minutes, remove skin then put in freezer to cool down, but don't leave in too long! He doesn't like COLD yams. 

Only walk the dog in the early morning or evening because the  pavement is too hot for his delicate pads. 

Oliver pees on the rocks and poops in the lantana. Keep it that way!

You HAVE to pick up all his toys and put them in a basket before going to bed. 

When HE goes to bed, you cover the crate (designer crate) like a bird cage! 

I had to  download multiple apps to turn on/off up/down music, spa, air conditioning etc. but don't touch the air conditioner settings! They are programmed to help assist in night time hot flashes! 

Been in the pool most of the day. Dog has been sleeping on kitchen floor and not in designer crate and he is NOT getting a yam today!   Ha! 

gotta give it to him- the man lives like a king

tm- will you tell me about when you lived inside the highway?


mm- when i first i went there there was nobody living there. at first i was living under the freeway.


tm- which freeway?


mm- by caltrain. king street on ramp, 280 bridge. then i'm tweaking there one night, i've got my flashlight, i'm looking up under the thing. i see this round thing and it's got this brass lock. i take my bolt cutters, you gotta have bolt cutters when you’re homeless. clip! clipped the brass lock. when i opened it up, it wadnt nothing but pigeon doo doo allover it, every where. i went to the construction site, turned on that hose thing and climbed back in there and washed all that pigeon shit out. next day, bought me some bleach, went up there with bleach and took one of those hard brushes and bleached the whole thing down. i cleaned out everything in there. everything, it wadnt even a spiderweb up in there when i got finished! first thing i got was some parts of a couch and i put it in there. that's how i'm sleeping on the concrete. the bridge is concrete, the cars above, it's like the middle part is hollow! then when the semi trucks go over the bridge it sways! it feel real cool!real cool! and i was in there and i would always have me two milk crates that i would tie together and i would boost myself in. but i had one of the most wonderfullest times! most of the women i bring down there they say wow! your TV even works, how you do that? i said i took my line and i went over to muni (bus company) and took an extension cord and used they plug! one day they locked all the gates up. i would go over there with my tools- i had a pack like full of tools. burglary tools. i'd do the bolts to the gate, push the gate open, push it back and they never know i was in there!


tm- how long were you in there?


mm- i stayed in there for a year. and the shelter, i didn't like it because it smelled like feet. if you go to 525 bryant, the men's part of it, smell like feet 24/7 3-6-5 and i'm not lying to you! i would go in there, i would check in because everyday you gotta check in you know. and that's how you get your sro (single residence occupancy w/ housing subsidy), you have to live in a shelter. i swear to god that's how you get the sro. i lived in there a full year but i would check out every night. i would go in, if they had something good to eat, i'd eat. if they didn't, my locker was full of good food. i'd go and bust out a packet of hot dogs, cook it and share it with a couple people, i'd have me about 4 hot dog sandwiches. screamingly delicious! i always had canned soda all through my locker. then they started putting bunk beds in there and shit. they fuckin the shelter up now. i was on a single bed, fuck that shit. i don't wanna live with no other cat... i used to do everything in there (the highway). i would be watching tv. one time the highway patrol came in there. they looked. they said come here! they said hold your hands up! i held my hands up. they said jump down! i said i gotta get my milk crate to get down so i don't hurt myself, they say ok do it and do it now! i came down, he cuffed me up right? so after he cuffed me up he crawled up in there. he looked at what i had accumulated since i had been there right? he said you know what- i've gotta give it to him- the man lives like a king. he didn't find no dope or anything, no guns, no weapons, no dope, so he came and un-handcuffed me he said i'm gonna tell you to leave and i know you gonna come back because of the way you livin but for the time being, why don't you be gone for about 4 or 5 hours and we gonna be gone for about 4 or 5 hours and i was like yes sir!! i went back to the shelter for about 4 or 5 hours. i used to have so much fun. then when i moved in here, i went back to see who was living there, it was whole families living in there now.


tm- you paved the way!


mm- yes! and it's warm in there. you know how cold san francisco get? in the winter time when it's raining or whatever and it's cold, inside there it's nice and warm all year round. probably from the exhaust and the cars. i had a tv, a dvd player, a lamp, cuz i used to kick back and read my tom clancy books cuz i love tom clancy. tom clancy is the shit in the military stuff. i like him, even though the bad guys always lose i still like him. all american...


tm- sometimes the bad guys win


mm- not in tom clancys books they aint


tm- in real life


mm- in real life we always win- i would know.

More fish in the sea
For you and for me
More birds in the sky
Than can fit in your eye
I seen ya cruisin by my b. friend
You be lookin at him all squint eyed
I’ll tell ya what sista
Touch him and get fried!
As is I'll burn you with my cig.
Frick off betch 4 rill

Though they were all aged 4-6 and situated fully three miles from my sight range, I could tell what the trouble makers were up to. I could feel the vibrations of their boredom mixing with their dirty diapers causing a witches brew of TROUBLE! I can feel BRATZ from across town! Just yesterday one of em called me up on the phone and breathed quite heavily. It was slightly sexual sounding indicating BITCHINESS! oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh i git SO ANGRY! I don't have time for childish child-games or child playthings. I got tripped at the doctor yesterday by one of those wire roller coasters with the little wooden blocks on them. It popped out from behind the door and entangled itself on my delicate foot! Could the culprit-child who placed it there not properly SEE that I was already in pain and required no further injury in order for this particular doctor's visit to be warranted!?!?!? Maybe that's why the brat was in the doctor's office anyway: POOR VISION! Sure I'm 25 and still going to the pediatrician because he feels sorry for me! Sure, I was a kid once too! I know how it feels to want to be a prankster, to fit in with the other Chucky-like hoods, I also now know how it feels to want to KILL A CHILD AND CUT OFF THEIR LITTLE FLACCID DICKS BUT I DON'T DO IT! Bratz of the world: Take heed! There's someone comin' for ya- or at least there's someone at home, sometimes doing a crossword puzzle and complaining A LOT and sometimes tearing out children's clothing ads and drawing nipples on them with a red marker and circling their crotches! And getting DRUNK!

From my MYSPACE BLOG!! 7 years ago- SO U CAN SEE HOW MUCH I'VE GROWN

things my house does not have:
window screens and a control on the mosquito sitch=west nile all up in my biz
privacy
clean people (exception of injun ju)
a flushed toilet EVER!
a working dishwasher not filled somehow with sick katrina water
things my house does have:
43,454 busted ass bikes and a portable carpet of snotrags and crusty ass socks
a kitchen full of trackmarked men's panties
a fake nutria and mothball stench from various non-fake dead things
weird hillbillies and random ass people all of whom i love except that one guy that no one knew that just tried to take a......wait i'm just gonna tell the story! the ONE TIME i decide to get high this is what happened! a random person came up to ask me and jubilee where he could get weed and we said we didn't know which we obviously did know but come on! then he asked us if there were lots of racist people around. by the way i live in the 9th ward and by the way i live in a chocolate city. so anyway he left and then i for some reason smoked weed like i'm in 7th grade or something and did not know how to do anything for a while except envision sssllllllooooooowwwwwwwllllllyyy and in detail EVERY SINGLE WAY I COULD POSSIBLY DIE and me and jubilee were hiding in the middle of the house because in the front were our friends talking to this random guy who came back to haunt us, and in the back for some reason some weirdos who i have never seen in my life before ever are creating a film in my back yard!!!!! and joey comes in and says "real talk, guys, that guy wants to know if he can take a shit in your house" whwhwhwhwhwhhwatatatattatat? i have no idea what i would even say if i weren't incapacitated of the will to speak!why? anyway- griffin just came in and said "what's up blogging molly?" ha!
also in my house........MY BEST FRIENDS who i love with all my SOUL!
if it's decently yellow let it mellow; if it's dark bloody yellow, sick orange (?), NEON!, cancer or AIDS yellow, smells like a stadium toilet after the motherfucking world series or whatever that baseball game is called or whatever sport people trash the bathrooms most for, OR ITS BROWN! FLUSH THAT BITCH DOWN!
LONGEST BLOG EVER THAT WILL NEVER GET READ! IF YOU READ THIS ADMIT IT! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW! AND TO BEAR ARMS! i'm scared to sleep because i got

into a bike accident and meredith told me i'd die if i slept too long because of a concussion which i don't even have probably! auryn told me if i drank one glass of wine i'd die! i did not do the latter! exclamation! mark!

I'm a poet

If you wanna get some za
but you aint got no money bra
just get a damn jobby
at that fuckin hobby lobby
I know you know glitter
I know you know felt
So don’t be so bitter
Or I’ll whip ya with my belt